947. - Ryan O'Connell

All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Stateside with Kai and Carter, a new podcast from The Guardian. And they are using this podcast to slow down the news and wrestle with the questions that we all have about what's happening in the world. And they do it three times a week. Jason, does that sound familiar to you? We don't really talk about, you know, a lot of international global news items and climates and cultures and sports and things like that. We do talk about fashion and wellness, but for everything else, Kai and Carter are a great place. All right, so who couldn't use more news? Listen wherever you get your podcast. or watch on YouTube. How long gone? A beautiful morning once again in Los Angeles. There's New York floods. I'm seeing people jumping over, moving rivers to get home. um and i'm i've never been happier jason how are you i i thought there was like a 93 degree heat wave and now there's a there's a flood that's sweeping all the hood rats into the into the sewer systems is that what's going on they're all they're all living on the little island in the hudson yeah that's yeah that's what it seems like what what is epstein's island called i just need to get this clear because this came up last night and i don't know the name of it i thought it was little island i thought that was i thought that was what it was called but i know little island is also the that ugly thing they built in New York with Barry Diller's money. So I need to know what it has little in it, but it is little St. James, little St. James. Okay. Okay. I just wanted to, and you didn't know that. Obviously you had to look that up. I just want to be clear to the listeners. Oh, no. No further questions, Your Honor? Unlike Chelsea Handler, you have not broken bread with Epstein, and you have not visited the island. So I just want to be clear. I'm not putting that on your jacket. I am not an island boy. I do not know that man, I swear. I don't know that man. I don't know that fucking man. What are you talking about? I don't know that man. Okay, so you thought it was called Little Island, which is a new kind of bluey spinoff on Nickelodeon or something like that, I'm assuming. Yeah, it does. The Little Island feels too cute.

you know what i mean like it feels too cute to be something sinister but that could have been jeff's kink so yeah i was i was putting that children are not into cute stuff at all so yeah i get that yeah you and i let's see here we're we got a little late start i'm sorry about that i'm just i'm moving a little slow this morning i made the mistake of drinking wine at the chateau instead of just sticking with my good old tito's vodka so i kind of have a My head's not screwed on straight this morning. I understand. Well, I need to tell the story that I told you about what happened to me last night, even though it's embarrassing to me, but I think it could be freeing to let it go. You know what I mean? To let this bird fly. First of all, I was seated next to Michael Stipe, who obviously is one of my goats. Basically like Hassan Piker to you. Yeah, yeah. It was a Paul Smith, Gabriella Hurst. collaboration celebration dinner so i'm i'm sitting next to i'm sitting next to stipe who i at this point i do know you know what i mean so it wasn't crazy but like you know we're having a great convo um did he remember you oh yeah totally yeah yeah for sure i mean he's he i think he um i think he's ramping up because he's he's here writing and there's an album coming out and there's you know he did the rooster so he's i think he's ramping up she's ramping should be on this show at some point but so anyway we're having we're having a nice convo and I'm like, excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I've been drinking a lot of water. I go into the bathroom and there's a candle sitting on the glass ledge above the toilet. We all know the candle. I go into the bathroom. I don't smell a candle. I am the nose that knows. I did not smell anything. After I washed my hands, I went to grab the candle to give it a smell and the candle was lit. and i dumped wax all over my chest and face so and sorry that sounds kinky but this was not this was not the setting i wanted some challenger shit okay so i'm a little bit so i'm looking in the mirror like oh this is kind of bad not only because the smell is so strong it's like choking me because i just dumped it on my face and my body

But I'm like, well, what am I going to do? So I wipe my face. Thank God it's a bathroom at a hotel, so there's towels in the bathroom, not just like a Dyson or something. So I take a towel. I wet it. I get it off my face. But then I'm looking down at my sweater, and I'm like, I don't think that I can recover from this. This seems bad. So I have to take the sweater off, throw it on my shoulders. And I do think I got away with it. I think it was the perfect crime. unless I, until I admitted it to you and now to the listeners. You had to tell us, I mean, it's such a, it's such an event to go through that you can't just keep that inside the mental, right? Yeah. When you're, when you're, when you're smelling Paul Smith candle and burning wax, you know, while you're listening to Ed Norton talk about, you know, emissions issues, there's things that, there are things that you can't plan for in life. And this is one of them, but unfortunately I did get home and I had to throw the sweater away. because I can't smell that ever again. It really fucked me up. Do you know what the candle flavor was? No, but I liked it. It wasn't even bad. It was just so extreme. So I threw the sweater away, and that, of course, had to shower as well. Okay, do you know what color the candle was? Oh, green maybe? Okay, because they got purple, they got rose, they got green, and they got blue, and they have green and blue. Oh, maybe that... Very How Long Gone style. Actually, I'm not sure. It could have had a bottom that was unrecognized. We don't like to let bottoms go unrecognized. We have a guest today. His name is... We don't like to let bottoms go unnoticed or unrecognized, but in this case, I was sort of dealing with a problem. So I'm very happy because this, you know, I... When we were in Italy, when we were at the Como edition, one of the Italian servers at a restaurant spilled a large amount of wine on Justin from DLX. And they went to the back and got him a shirt. Like they had a fresh polo shirt and they just gave it to him. And it was kind of like nothing ever happened. And I was like, you know, in this situation, I feel like if I asked somebody, something would have appeared. But I decided that, you know, maybe a robe wasn't the best way to finish. You got lucky because the sweater over the shoulder look.

your look. I mean, I don't want to, you know, I'm not trying to stir any drama up, but you may have made the look even better. I think it was especially nice to go sort of from the office to cocktails. You have your buttoned up thing going on. You have a little pop of color with the pink dress shirt underneath, but then, you know. The sun goes down. We'll get a little loose. After three San Pellegrino's buttons start, you know, buttons start coming. They drop the pool of, the puddle of tiramisu slop lands on the, you know. That tiramisu is banging actually. And I'm not really a tiramisu guy. I don't, I don't. I don't know what it is about tiramisu that gets people so excited, but I did like that one, I have to say. People love the flavors of coffee, chocolate, and cream. I had a very deflated one. For some reason, everyone else's around me was just a normal slice of tiramisu. And then mine... Oh, no, my shit was not normal. It was like a little lumpy. It was definitely deconstructed. Really? Yeah, yeah. My shit wasn't like a pure... A nice four by four. Everyone else around me had, it wasn't a perfect square, but it was a wet mass that looked like it was a tiramisu. And then mine was more like a soup. It was more like an overnight oats. the whipped cream structure had failed and things had become liquefied and everyone else around me not liquefied. And if yours is also giving puddle. No, it wasn't giving puddle. No, no, I'm sorry. It wasn't giving puddle. It was just not. I thought you were talking about the form factor, like the size and shape. And I'm sorry, I was. So yours was giving lump. It was giving Cardi B at the Met Gala. It was giving Cardi B. It was giving Come Take Our Zone. But I mean, you know me, I'm more worried about tastes. I'm kind of a nuts and. bolts got jason i i can only you can only get so far with presentation when it comes i was just wondering if i was being singled out or if you and i were being singled out i think we would be i think somebody would have given us a noogie and like tripped us going down the stairs there but i don't think we were singled out in that way we do the noogieing that's true we do at the chateau marmont motherfucker we do um all right we have a guest today longtime friend of the program one of the greats uh ryan o'connell is here he's got yet another book

where he talks about getting railed in various apartments in Van Nuys. So here we go. We're not going to talk about any of that today, though. You know Ryan from all of his great work, his television show, his acting, his writing. He's got some Broadway shit. That's how gay he is. So, Ryan, let's get into it with our king. Oh, this is huge for me personally. This episode of How I'm Gone is brought to you by TaskRabbit. Oh, baby, let me tell you something. This is not a joke. I use TaskRabbit a lot because I can't do anything. You need some art hung? TaskRabbit. You need a fucking something put together? A cabinet? Got to reach that cheese grater on the top shelf? TaskRabbit. Anything you need, TaskRabbit can take care of it for you. And I mean, it... How it works, TaskRabbit connects you with skilled taskers in your area. They can help you move. They can assemble furniture, repairs, yard work, mounting, and more. You can search for a tasker based on cost, skill set, availability, and past client reviews so you know exactly who's showing up and can have confidence that they know what they're doing because taskers have assembled over 3.4 million pieces of furniture, completed 700,000 home repairs. handled 1.5 million moves, and the numbers are just going up, Jason. Yeah, throw a little money at the problem. It's not so expensive. And that job that you really don't want to do is something that another person out in the world is very good at doing and would gladly do it in exchange for a little bit of money. So when life happens, your to-do list grows. Get ahead of it now and get $15 off your first task at TaskRabbit.com or grab the TaskRabbit app using promo code How long? Taskers book up faster, especially for same-day tasks. So book trusted home help today. That is $15 off your first task using promo code howlong with the TaskRabbit app or at TaskRabbit.com. All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Quince. Jason, the temps are warming up. It's getting hot out there. Summer always changes how I get dressed. I need pieces that feel lighter, more breathable.

And they're just easy, but still put together. I don't want to look like a slob. That's why I keep coming back to Quince. They focus on high-quality essentials that feel and look amazing. Breathable linen and soft organic cottons. Well-made basics, but without the luxury markups. That rare balance where everything feels elevated. but still effortless. Yeah, Chris, linen season is here. I wore a linen blazer to dinner a few nights ago in the warm California sun. But, you know, you got that Italy trip coming up this summer and quality European linen pants and shirts. Upgrade that look starting at just $34. You know, if you get a nice linen suit, a little t-shirt underneath it, some chill shoes, you're looking good, but you're staying cool. The inside of your special areas are nice and dry as you turn up with your besties. So elevate that summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash how long for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns, even on a nice holiday now available in Canada. That is Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash how long. That'll get you free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince punto com slash how long. Oh, what up, faggots? It's so nice to be back. Oh, he's back. Look. ryan how are you it's great to see you um this is the gayest chair that's ever been on how long gone so that's congratulations for that i know right and next to parker posey and party girl can you believe you have three posies are those nfts what's going on honey that's a friend of mine just i said i want parker posey and party girl and he delivered it was a commission parker posey party girl triptych is what we're dealing with in the fuzzy chair and ryan does have on the one thing ryan and i do have in common is our love for slow dot ryan's wearing the slow dive ebay bootleg right now which i like oh this shirt i just threw it on do you guys like this band or no yeah i'm i'm pandering as fuck and i listen but but before we get into it i want to acknowledge the elephant in the room which is that my publicist is on the phone call but i want you to know

that I am still raw, real, relatable. I am still the person who took a yellow cab 12 years ago to Jason's bungalow in Atwater Village and went on his podcast. I just want you to know, because I know we have history here, and I haven't changed a bit, okay? Scotty, make sure they leave that in, okay? I haven't changed a bit. You honestly haven't changed a bit, except for the homeownership and some of the clothing and the multiple trainers in different neighborhoods and all that stuff. You haven't changed at all, really, from what I can tell. No, absolutely. You look better. I think we all look better, though, actually, if we're going to get down to it. No, to get real, we have gotten so much hotter. It's actually crazy. It's a triple glow-up, and it's nice because when it's two out of three who have glowed, it can make things awkward in the glow chat. But I think it's more impressive that you... guys look hotter because sub with love straight guys age like dog shit like it's not chic and like the fact that you guys look so like chic and hot is truly like thank you right i think it's because jason and i aren't aren't bound by the stresses of sports you know what i mean i think what do you call this what do you call this what do you call this this is the act of discourse honey but we're not defeating the allegations of homosexuality having Not aged like a leather glove. I just mean that when you're betting your wife's car on a Celtics outcome, I think you start to get some fine lines around the eye area. You know what I'm saying? You guys feel superior when you're around other heterosexual males your age and you're like, oh. always i don't i don't i think i'm around pretty i don't hang out with guys that aren't that different than me do you know do you know what i mean like i'm around or i'm doing the worst thing where i hang out with like hot 30 year olds that's kind of my zone it's like a hot 30 year old guy who's like you know just figure it out man career's taking off like Dating a few girls. I'm going to get a pint at Bar Oliver later if you want to join me. That type. Also, Chris, you do know really hot straight guys. When I went to your Hanover, I was kind of thrown by how hot the straight guys were. They were all hot. Yeah, that's the whole point. I mean, when you're trying to sell clothes, that's really the whole point. But in general, that's my whole point. Went to this fashion party. There's a bunch of attractive people there. And their bodies look good in the clothes. It was really strange.

I'm telling you, they usually look like slop kebabs. I mean, especially in LA. In LA, it's like slop kebab nation. Well, that's because you're dealing with Hollywood guys who sit in a room all day and eat candy and get goop kitchen, the pizza, not the salad. Slop kebab nation. By the way, don't even get me started. I gain so much weight in a writer's room. Wait, you're in a room, quote unquote, right now, are you not? Drop the BMI, honey. First of all, the quotes, how dare you? in a room right now and here's the deal it is run by a gay guy so i feel like the snacks are not as out of control as they could have been oh that makes it that makes it tracy anderson come in for lunch instead of instead of sweet green how good is it it's pretty good but for point of reference the last room i was in three out of five writers had gout Can you say what show that was? It was Crazy Rich Asians is being turned into a TV show. So it was a mini room for that show. Gout does run rampant in the Asian communities, I've learned. Is that true? Not necessarily because of their dietary practices or lifestyle. I thought they only ate broth and raw fish. It's mostly hereditary. I'm already waiting in the Discord. Scotty! Scotty, cut! What? I didn't. All right. Three. Okay. Now just a question. And look, I love diversity. You know what I mean? I love diversity. But why are they hiring a white guy, even though you have issues, to work on Crazy Rich Asians, the TV show? We got the rich and the Asian part down. What about the crazy? First of all, it's Crazy Rich Caucasian. Crazy Rich Caucasian. And don't you fucking forget it, okay? Oh, I apologize. I think that when you're crazy and rich, I think you can fill in the rest. Do you know what I mean? I think that's enough of a prereq. You transcend race once you become rich and crazy. Or you enter your own specific race that knows no color. Totally. I mean, it's kind of like, it's not a correct comp, but it's like Ellen DeGeneres hanging out with George W. Bush. You know what I mean? And you're like, honey, what's going on? I don't know why, but it just works. When rich people and celebrities start pairing off for reasons unknown, not to get into my killer's bag, but it's a little bit like, well, I guess we only understand each other type thing. Or, oh.

There's literally five people that can date. Who the fuck is Reese Witherspoon going to date? Like, literally. Do you know what I mean? I think Reese has actually tried civilians. I mean, you know, an agent is a civilian in their own way, I would have to say. No matter how powerful. But now I think Reese is dating, like, I think a billionaire tech daddy or like a hedge funder. Yeah, for sure. That's where you end up. I mean, Tory Burch married a guy. That's what you do. You kind of end up, you got to just go for the money. I mean. Who else are you going to date? John Mayer? What if you just find a great, nice guy who doesn't have $4 billion, but he's going to take good care of you. He's going to be chivalrous, make you happy, make you laugh. Why would they want that? Exactly. And Jason, unfortunately, there's very few men that want to be cucked that hard by a rich, famous woman. publicly like when you're the umbrella holder for reese witherspoon you're like i make my own money i'm actually no i have a i have a fully functioning farm We did great this year. It doesn't really hit the same when your wife is a famous. I mean, except for Lana Del Rey, obviously, the only one who's... Oh, my God. Well, she's doing it right. Just dating a hot fucking big-dicked alligator wrangler. I mean, forget it. How do you know his dick is big? How do you know his dick is big, Ryan? Also, he's not hot. Just to be clear, he's not hot. He is hot. First of all, you're straight. Forget it. You have no expertise in this. You would take the wrangler dick. Honey, I, yes, like, literally, like, have him come inside my hole right now. I'm obsessed. Like, literally. I'm the alligator, honey, and I need to be wrangled. Okay? Okay, you and Lana have similar tastes in men, I'm sure, Jack. from Salem is also on your to-do list. Oh my God, Jack. Yes, of course. I mean, that little faggot. I'm obsessed. He is so, he is so gay for pay. I think he's kind of bisexual. No, he's like a bi-con. Oh, definitely. I think he's, I think he's down for whatever, which I think makes him, that's, that's what drives. How do you feel about those guys like that who they, they date straight women, they have sex with them, but then.

You know, the one every four years where they kiss a guy. It's always on camera. Like someone's always taking a photo of me where I make out with a guy once every four years. No, no, no. Let's be clear. Jack Donahue's ex-histories. No, he's fucking guys in airport bathrooms. Yeah, but also Jack Donahue's ex-histories are basically gay guys. We have Courtney Love, who's a faggot. And we have... And we have Lana Del Rey, who is kind of a faggot. The gayest thing you could do as a straight guy is date Courtney Love and Lana Del Rey. Yeah, that's honestly. Except for that guy who's dating Cher. I think he's the only one who can top. No pun intended. Who is dating Cher? Some just young, hot, backup dancer, mixed race guy. Good for her! 35 probably. Oh my God. Stunning. I love that. I mean, I have no point of view on share whatsoever, but go off. I don't really have a point of view on share either. I mean, I respect her. I think she's pretty good on Twitter, which is a good thing for an aging. Oh yeah. What's going on with my career with no space between the mind career. I mean, yeah. How can you touch that? A thousand, a thousand AI agents on a thousand typewriters couldn't come up with that. And this is what AI couldn't come up with. Okay. So your job is at, I mean, we're at war right now. They're coming for your job. How do you feel? Because I mean, I know that Claude's knocking on that door and you're going to, you want those gummy worms and they might take them. Are you talking about fake gay guys or AI? Both. I would love for Claude to assume the identity of a gay guy with cerebral palsy who loves to get railed in hotel rooms across America. Honestly. Have the fuck at it, okay? Have at it. I don't give a shit. So you're training your agent to understand your sexual proclivities. You're saying it's not just voice. It's also, it's physical with me. Totally, totally, totally. I want Claude to get dicked down. If it really wants to assume my personality, it needs to get dicked down. Claude does, I mean, I would say of all of the, I'm not super familiar with all the AI offerings, but I would say Claude, based on name alone, feels the gayest. Claude is definitely the gayest. I mean, I just feel like the whole AI discourse is so like Snoozy Kurtz. I'm literally like, I can't. It's so mentally ill. Everyone has brain rot. It's just so.

embarrassing to be living in this time. It's so embarrassing. My favorite is just when Demi Moore takes a stand. Oh, forget it. Forget it. Demi Moore, owner of Toned Arms. I love that. Her toned arms. I go, sweetie, what's going on? Her arms look great. Don't do that. The arms could be a little too toned, Chris. No such thing, guys. No. It's giving Nicole Richie running on the beach in 2005, and you know exactly what I'm talking about. Again, once again, some of these things that you guys think are negative are actually positive, and that's what I'm here to stand up for. So stop it. Tell me about the positive attributes of being medically underweight. I don't know. Are you a doctor, Jason? What do you know about medically? I don't think you have any of the expertise. A little more than you, but not much. We don't talk about women's bodies that way, okay? First of all, I love when people ask. actors to weigh in on anything we have to understand people these people were raised on sets they were living in oakwood okay oakwood apartment complex and burbank they were giving hooked on phonics they were giving kumon and you want them to weigh in on ai sweetie yeah i mean honey yeah like you lost me at weigh in Yeah, exactly. No, no, no. I'm good. I just think that asking celebrities about anything besides their movie or whatever it is would be a better route. Unless they want to offer a funny anecdote from their life when Jimmy Kimmel's been prompted to ask them. Yeah, totally. I hear you recently went to Hawaii with the family. Anything funny happen on the airplane? Yeah, exactly. That's fine with me. I'm cool with that. No, we all suffer. I don't know if you guys saw Stephen Colbert and David Byrne doing one of the most unfortunate things I've ever seen on television. Stephen Colbert was dancing and performing with him because it's his final... you know, it's, it's, it's Colbert, you know, whatever it's over. And he's got like a week or two. So he's going to, you know, have Jack white back to do three songs or whatever, really celebrate. But it was just, it was one of those things where I was like, I get it because I do make a wish too. And if I was in this position, I would figure out a way to do something stupid that only serves me. And my audience hates it, but it's just the dancing. I look, ladies and gentlemen, low. Hey, you got the ball.

been begging for it. You've been demanding it for years, and I'm finally going to give it to you. It's Galaxy 500! Chris has done it again, the final episode of How Long Gone. Somehow he got Uncle Tupelo to reunite, and this is for those 10 people. Not a big ratings night, but you know, it's for Chris. I find that the late night send-offs are... Honestly, the send-offs that they're doing prove why it's over. If that makes sense. Like, it's really like, oh, this is okay. Well, we made the right choice. Just like when you feel like you've been marked safe from James Corden's carpool karaoke, you're not. They bring you right back in. Big boy's over in Amsterdam chasing Harry around that stage. Panton, he can't keep up. He's got the Brooks on. He's trying to chase Harry. It ain't working. He said there better be a stack of flapjacks at the end of this fucking race, Harold, because this ain't working for me. Wait, James Corden is on stage with Harry Styles? No, no, no. But Harry's doing this new tour. I wouldn't know. He's getting in trouble because the stage is like this insane catwalk that kind of weaves through the entire arena. It looks like a satisfy running track. It looks like a running track. And so, and James Corden is just in the audience and every show because they're best friends who unfortunately I have heard from several sources that James Corden, great hang. And I hate to say it. Oh, come on, sweetie. People I trust doesn't matter. People I trust. No, no. Literally, by the way, James Corden's PR is literally off camera with a gun to your head. No. Like, you know what to say. I don't want to. You think I want to give James Corden grace? Of course I don't. Of course I don't. Unless we're saying it before at All You Can Eat Buffet, I would never want to give him grace. And that's something that I can't help. Don't you guys always feel like Harry Styles' music is like three blocks away from being interesting? really like the first i really like the first two and you know what yesterday we were shooting and american girls came on and i american girls no no yeah it is chris that is like it is that's incorrect actually i was having a conversation yesterday ryan with a with a top ranking gay official oh okay and i he was saying that all of all gay guys obviously you all like

the cool girl like charlie everybody likes that but then you all have an ariana a gaga or a um taylor well mine's addison by the way no addison's cool that doesn't He's saying there's like the upper tier. You need something from the legacy collection. Exactly. When you go in the Criterion Clause. You need a mother. Addison is not mother yet. Addison is not mother yet. Addison is like niece. Okay, but Chris, does this mother have to have a little embarrassment attached to it? I don't even think I think because most gay guys, you know, Madonna is the mother. And I feel like I think Madonna is. I think that's actually I think that's the point. I think Madonna is like upper echelon. No one can touch her. And then what we're talking about is this high tier. We can sell 60,000 tickets. Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande. Right. Like not Sabrina. Not not. You know, it's like that thing. And I feel like you're a Gaga guy just because you're old school with it. Wait, wait. You're calling me a Gaga guy. Are you not? Honey, you're calling me a little monster? I'm a little monster. Don't come for me. Honey, I am. You lived in Brooklyn. Honey, I have never, ever, ever liked Lady Gaga in my G-damn life. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to attack you. So you're saying that you would be more of an Ariana Grande, nasty hand tats? Never. Never, never, never. I think gunned my G-damn head. I would have to say Madonna, probably. No, Madonna's out. I'm saying it's Taylor. No. Katy Perry. No. Adele. You're saying, oh my God, Katy Perry, can you imagine? Can you imagine? I think a little bit of it has to be like a little embarrassment. Like everyone loves Britney Spears, Rihanna, you know, Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston. But what I'm saying to you, Ryan, is because you famously have good taste in music, but you're also gay. Of course, of course. You know, you guys aren't known for your taste in music. No, no, of course. Show us your Achilles heel. Yeah. No, no, totally. No, I understand what you guys are saying, and I swear to God, I'm trying to think. Katy Perry, I mean, is there anyone more embarrassing? Absolutely not. I'm so glad she saw feminism with Women's World.

I'm a Katie cat as well as a little monster. No, no, stop it. Ariana Grande, I'm like, I'm fine with. I actually think that's fine. I don't listen to her, but I don't just like what she's doing. Taylor is, I mean, I'm even scared to say her name. I feel like my house is literally getting broken into. Like, I'm literally, it's like Bloody Mary. Don't worry, she doesn't know where Echo Park is. No, no, it's like giving like Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. I'm like really, I'm really scared of her name. Okay. No, literally. Specific follow-up question. Did you see Wicked in the theaters? Are you kidding me? I would never in my life. Okay, that says everything I need to know. That does say a lot. Because you know I don't watch musicals, and that press tour of Sub With Love was insane. We all had to suffer through that as a culture. You know who I'm scared of? I'm scared of Cynthia Revia. That bitch, she would put some nails in my neck, and I'd never walk again. Rip that dick right off. But I think a lot of your friends and our friends, mutual friends, cool gay guys that we respect, their taste in arts. Also, we saw them fall victim to wicked in the theaters as if it's your civic duty as a gay. I want to go on the record and say that Cynthia and I once got an award together and she's very nice. What award did you get? Exactly. Okay. No, no. Okay, so get this, get this. My television program is out for, say it with me, nine days. I get an email from my publicist and be like, great news. You're getting honored the visibility world from the Human Rights Coalition in Atlanta. I've been visible for nine days. Sure, sure. Literally, I'm like a gay gopher coming out of its hole for nine days, and they're like, give him the award! And so I go to Atlanta, and I realize I'm getting nominated with Cynthia Erivo, who at the time, I didn't know who she was. because I was in the musical theater day. Shade. So I didn't understand who she was. My boyfriend was like totally fagging out. He was addicted to her. And I thought she was really nice and a good hang. And you know I'm very discerning. You know I'm very discerning. Oh, I believe you. I don't suffer fools. I'm scared of people that are nice and a good hang as well. Those two things are not mutually exclusive. Totally, totally, totally. But no, I mean, she is presence, I would say. She is presence. But I would never see Wicked. Did you see Wicked? God, no. Bro, I don't see any movie. I don't see a movie of people that come on this fucking podcast.

The only movie I've seen is, is this thing on by Will Arnett and Lorger? No, that's a good movie. Actually, Alex did watch that, and I didn't pay attention. I want to be clear. I was doing some picking up around the house while that was on. I saw that trailer, and I was like, I don't need to see that, like Valerie Cher style. That is actually one of the straightest movies ever made. It was a tough putt watching it, but is Will and Arnett a daddy for you? yeah ultimately he could rail for sure yeah yeah i think you can really tell i just feel like he fucks like you can tell he fucks do you know what i mean yeah well the amy poehler of it all doesn't really Give me that. But maybe the 150 girls from Raya. Polar back in the day was a little bop, though. I think I like Polar. I'm just saying Polar doesn't look like she's getting too litty. Kind of a little stereo lab chick vibe. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, very. I kind of love that she's invading his medium and truly cleaning the streets. I feel like they actually get along. I feel like they don't hate each other. Totally, totally, totally. I think they're both winning in the podcast space. They both make, you know, several tens of millions of dollars annually doing this. What if, you know. in five years they get back together i feel like they also have a kid with like a name like archie no it's a little by the harvard west like by the way why do we both know that i immediately in my brain was like it's archie chris obviously it's archie it's archie like what had to die for that to live why do i know the name of their goddamn child i i shouldn't know either because i'm not even i've never watched polar's pod but i feel like when it's good it's quite good is that the takeaway or is it like you know that's what she's doing she knows what she's doing she's funny charming smart she listens like she really i listen again podcasts i mean i have a hard time but like but she i listen to her and i'm like i get it well by the way speaking of podcasts like are you guys like friendly with other major podcasters like what's the ecosystem like no it's on site for any of those losers i see you i can see a whole foods i'm slashing the tires where do you guys stand with dax you don't have we don't stand with dax that's the thing dax doesn't want to stand next to us bro we had dax's co-host on the pod a couple months ago oh monica yeah yeah yeah well actually monica

It was surprisingly awesome. I like Monica a lot. She could hold her own. I want to say something about that. Okay, so I do listen to Dax sometimes, which is kind of crazy. I don't know why, but I'm into it. I really am. I'm into it. We found the Achilles heel. It is my Achilles heel. What are you into about it? Because you want him to rail you? Here's my takeaway. When you are Famoose, other Famoose people will open up to you because they feel safe. They will. Because they see you as one of them. You're in the orbit. So they feel like they can let their guard down and you can get into some real good stuff. And I will say, given the... kind of like cultural brain rot we're experiencing in the podcast space i mean i'm not naming names for once in my goddamn life but it's truly harrowing what people are now making and we'll talk about jake shane later jake shane jake bro i don't even want i know that little i know that little fucking i know that little turtles in your circles don't call him a turtle i know that little turtle So, so basically I listened to his podcast. I'm like, okay, this is correct. So then, okay. Smash cut. I meet him like a few months ago. Dax. Dax and Monica. What were you? Were you at the peptide dealer? Where did you meet him? The Eagle. No. So. Dax is like, what is this place? This is random as hell. I've never been here. We are going to a show that Kristen Bell is in, this musical that she's in, with my friend Karin, who's friends with Kristen's, worked with her, blah, blah, blah. So we're in the audience. It's getting ready to go. Dax shows up. I'm kind of starstruck. Like, I'm into him. Also, Dax can also rail me. He's definitely, like, Will Arnett coded for me. And Monica is there. And I go, Dax, you know, I'm a big fan of the pod. I will say you need more faggots on your podcast. And I assume he's down to clown. I assume he's down to roll and troll. And he's like, what do you mean? And I go...

Well, I mean, like, you know, you've had literally every cast member of The Morning Show twice. Like, literally, it's like Billy Crudup's world, and we're just potting in it. You know what I mean? Like, Billy Crudup, I guess. Yeah, Billy Crudup three times. There's gay guys out here. Jack Shepard is a comedic actor known for his roles in, like, buddy films from the 90s and 2000s. Yes, and, like, I see him as a playful lad. I do. I see him as playful. So I'm like, honey. That's funny. I don't. I go, let's get in the sandbox. play and he was he doesn't he said what do you mean by faggot i don't know i don't use that word and kind of he got kind of a nerve and then he told monica and and monica was talk about ready to lull she was like she was down she like she like i thought she was very funny she got it so i was a little shook by that experience i walked away being like i don't know if that's like that I don't know. I feel like he's insecure with his sexuality. I don't think so. Guys, I think the only thing Dax is thinking about is the bank account and his PR. I don't think Dax gives a fuck about... You don't think I'm keeping him up at night? I don't think... Maybe we should have more faggots on. What do you think? He's like, guys, call off Greta Lee. We don't need Greta Lee. It's Greta week on Dax. I do think that this... celebrity thing works but it is like what you're saying like the disarming part but at a certain point if all podcasts are celebrities can everyone be disarmed all the time that doesn't it lose its charm that no i understand what you mean power well i think dax is kind of different because he was famous before podcasts so i think that when you're made famous by the medium no offense guys um then then it's like it's a different kind of thing no no i agree no i'm saying that actors i'm saying that all of these actors getting into it talking to other actors. That's what I mean. At a certain point, there's 10 shows that are basically the same construct. It's like, which one are you getting the most open with? Also calling Dax famous before podcasting a little bit of a stretch. I guess Punk did an imprint on you the way it did with me. He's up in the upper echelons with Seth Green and Matthew Lillards of the world. And Breckenmeyer.

Don't forget. I did some lines with Jessica Simpson in 2006. It's not necessarily A-list activity. I need to talk about Jessica Simpson because they're getting her out of here for flying first class and putting her kids in coach. Can I tell you something? That's totally fine, bro. Build character. As someone who habitually leaves my boyfriend for dead in the economy, I understand. I get it. You put Jonathan in the economy, bro? Yeah, I know. Dave! You're fucking everything that moves and you put him in fucking economy and he's still with your ass? The house is nice, but I mean... Is there a stipend as well? He's like, he's lucky he gets to go on the same plane as me. Is there an honorarium as well? How does this work? Like, what's going on, bro? So when I shot season one of Special, I'd never filmed first class in my life. Hold for applause. Yeah, exactly. So brave. And we were shooting in Austin, Texas. And my co-star, Poonam, was hungover. And she was flying home to do some guest spot in some NBC sitcom and then flying back to do the show. And she was hungover as fuck. And she goes, oh. well thank god i'm in first class and i go you're in first class and i she goes you're not that's when we realized i've been living that economy life the creator star and showrunner was put in economy and she was flown first class well that was first season to be fair you know you had you had some proving i mean i would say that's your your team's fault not yours that's that's what everybody says yeah let's get three arts on the phone all right so did you did you hold on so you're saying if you and jonathan are going to to greece for a holiday no no i wouldn't do that I wouldn't do that. International, we're always flying the same class. LAX to P-Town. It's different. What's different? LAX to P-Town is gay international flight somehow. It's different. You're going to have your man in the back? That's crazy. All the way to P-Town? Then comfort! He's in comfort. He's in comfort. I want to be clear. Justice for Jonathan. Jonathan is a very tall guy. Comfort is not giving comfort. I love Jonathan. He's hilarious. He deserves more.

He deserves more. He's in comfort aisle so he can put his legs outside. Ryan, I know what this means. I fly on planes too. I'm clear how the classes work. I'm saying that I and Jason. Jason has a different system. My system is if I get an upgrade or I'm flying with Alex. i i'm either sitting in the back and she's taking it or i gotta pay for her to be there there's no totally my world will be uh i'll have problems if i don't do that no i totally totally get it the only time it caused problems with us was when i went to australia with him It's a long one, mate. Bro, I upgraded Jason with my miles to go to Australia. I spent 300,000 miles. I've never serviced his cock. Yeah, and he's never touched me. He don't even tap me on the shoulder. He yells. Get yourself a straight guy. Nice, loyal, straight guy. Do some good stuff for you. Bro, I spent 350,[redacted address], bro. Look, I'm listening and learning. And Chris, I have so many drink vouchers that I want to add to your account for mine that I plan to later. I've just been super busy. I'm sorry. No, sure. I totally. Guys, thank you so much for calling me in and not calling me out. I really appreciate it. And I'm just saying, I'm just saying, like, I'm sure. Honestly, I that stuff doesn't bother me that much, especially depending on the distance. But I feel like in your case, there's just too much going on in that relationship to not have him in front. Yeah, I'm putting him through hell. That's what I mean. You're publicly talking about your philandering for 350 pages. I think maybe a first class. You know who's a bigger whore than me? Jonathan. OK. All I want to do is hold some crunchy granola hippie's hand while we listen to fucking Mazzy Star. Meanwhile, he's fisting some random guy into hunga, okay? So that's what's going on there. But Ryan, but Ryan, here the difference is the fisting into hunga. until now was private. Your relationship with your weird healer in San Francisco that you got scolded for because it went too far is in a book. That's the difference of this thing. Well, then you guys are going to fucking gag because his new book is autofiction and I'm in it. And he talks all about our relationships. So I'm getting mine. I'm getting mine. You deserve it. When we were at the book reading yesterday. Yep.

Jonathan was in the front row as you, me, and other people are reading your sexcapades. And the look on his face wasn't upset. No. But he was sort of laughing along. But, you know, also you can see a little something in his eye. Jason, don't you think his laugh would be more from the belly guttural if he was flying first class? I do. I think the laugh would be coming from a different place. Those masseuse stories would go down a little bit sooner. You know what? I need that Delta One laugh. I need that Delta One laugh. I do. I need the John and Vinny's curated menu. I need those grass-fed meatballs with the ricotta on the toast. I will do a warm cookie. Thank you. How did the reading go last night? This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Squarespace. Obviously, Jason, you and I spend a lot of time on the World Wide Web, sort of our peers, our listeners, our friends, our colleagues, maybe even your parents if they're freaky. And if you're doing anything in the world... writing, taking pictures. I do topless boxing. You need a website. Exactly. A website that works, that does what it's supposed to do, that allows you to be creative, but also business minded. Jason, there's one place to go for that. Squarespace. Yeah, Chris, I'm over here. I'm modifying calculators and putting Claude inside of them so you could cheat at school. And I just want a place where I could, you know. have everything all in one place. I can have the SEO tools so those future graduates can find me. And, you know, I'm able to accept quote unquote donations for my services that might be gray area. You know what I mean? And then email campaigns. Hey, I got a new, you know, 2.3 version upgrade. Boom, boom, boom. Get the analytics going. Raise some money. Show your investor all of your cool analytics of what's going on. They're going to want to get in early, and we can use Blueprint AI to make your website look as professional as your competition, if not more. Head to squarespace.com slash howlong for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use offer code howlong to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain.

This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by a new podcast from The Guardian stateside with Kai and Carter. This is covering a lot of our bases, Jason. It's trying to slow down. The news and wrestle with the questions we all have about what's happening in the world. And I know you particularly have quite a lot of questions. A lot of questions, but how often? Because we do this podcast three times a week and that's a sweet spot. How many times do they do? Three times a week. And I have a feeling just based on the platform and these talking points that they're maybe going to be covering different stuff than we do. That's just a guess. The Guardian is not some billionaire owned. They're not afraid to say what they want to say, brother. Yeah, Rupert ain't sniffing around in what journalists Kai Wright and Carter Sherman are up to over there at Stateside. But yeah, listen wherever you get your podcasts. You can watch it on YouTube. It's three times a week. And who couldn't use more news? Especially when it's not from here, let's say. Give it a listen. Give it a listen. Oh, well, so glad you asked. Jason, did you like the bio I read for you? It was a very good bio. Thank you for, you know, zhuzhing it up a little bit. You're so welcome, Chris. I went ahead and I did the liberty of writing Jason's bio, and I think I encapsulated him pretty well. Can you read it for us here now? I would love nothing more. Hold on. Let me tee it up, okay? Please. Okay. Jason Stewart is the co-host of How Long Gone, a podcast for straight guys who happen to be culturally gay. He is also a DJ. One time he supervised on that Zac Alfron movie about DJing, which is, as we say in the business, random! He has excellent taste in food and wives. For a straight guy, he is better than he needs to be. I mean, come on. Forget it. Well, better than he needs to be is how I described Jason full stop. So that's great. It's literally high praise. I mean, forget it. Jason, you were the only guy, right? Yes, yes. Okay. I went first. I had to leave early to meet you at the Gabriela Hearst Paul Smith dining event. When he told me that, I felt like I got even more brain damage. I had to move from the gayest event in town to the lesbianist event in town. Well, we need to talk about, because Jason, we spoke about this last night, and I did something at Skylight with Kyle Chayka a while back. Now, I know Skylight is a...

a non-binary bookstore for blue hair mask wearers. But my question is the lighting. You know what I mean? It's bad. And I understand when you're browsing books, and all jokes aside, I do... I really care about independent bookstores. I want them to stay open. But if you're going to have all these readings, let's get a lighting director in. I'm sure someone would donate their time. You know what I mean? We have plenty of out of work Hollywood types that would love to kind of redo the light. And we get donations. You know what I mean? Totally, totally, totally. I mean, look, this is why I get my blood taken out and then put back into my face is that I can look hot under fluorescent lighting. You can survive any lighting. Yeah, I hope. I hope. You know what I mean? And Jason, I thought everyone looked kind of good randomly. Randomly. No, everyone did look good. Everyone kind of showed up. Who's got eyes on Diablo Cody? She looks great. I haven't seen her in a while. She looks fucking great. I mean, I'm obsessed with her. God bless. Melissa looked hot as fuck. Yeah, no, I mean, honey, banger after banger after banger, I felt like. Okay, how many more of these are you doing? okay i'm doing one in new york next week with coco mellers who i think has been on how long gone right oh yeah i know i saw coco recently her old pregnant ass oh honey she's gonna give birth on her stage talking about me getting railed by creative directors like literally that is literally like she's gonna literally be like talking about me getting a rib job and then she's gonna go her water's gonna break Yeah. Her water's going to break on the Strand. It's at the Strand. Okay. Are you doing any gay places? Are you doing Provincetown? I'm doing Provincetown. San Francisco? As I want to do. No! San Francisco. Honey, come on. You have a deep, rich relationship with San Francisco. Don't act like I'm crazy for suggesting that. I go to San Francisco to write because I need to go. I always go to places where I'm not tempted to go outside in order to get work done. And San Francisco falls into that category. There is a tier. cities to me that have amazing food like portland san francisco where i don't quite what happens during the day without food is none of my business do you know what i mean yeah sure sure you're not okay you don't have any meetings with any agencies in portland about you know

adidas or nike no i mean fingers crossed we'll see what happens after this podcast you know what i mean okay so you're okay what else is the tech space because i've been following the you know i've been following the patrick radden keith book tour he's in adelaide selling 5 000 tickets what's your what's the what's your plan my question for those people is are they paying for those tours like publishers don't really pay for that anymore i think he's i think he's at the tier where they do Who is this person that you live? Who is this person? Patrick Radden Keefe. Who's that? It's not for you. It's New Yorker. It's like books that are... Jason, I think I would describe it as they're very, very good, but they have a very broad appeal. in a way that is like it's not totally apparent i think up front because he's like a new yorker staff writer and it's very like oh he did he did that book say nothing which got turned into the the tv show about he did the book about the sacklers he did the the big book oh oh well then we stan obviously but what i'm saying is i think it's like i i think there's to him and like three chefs to get that kind of treatment at this point he's moving enough units and enough of his like his books get optioned before he finishes totally and i think they're taking i mean i think some of that stuff is ticketed so it's like if people are buying tickets then nobody's really laying out cash right it's like it's like it's like emily henry or pierce abernathy and nothing in between that's right i'll be it i'll be all of pierce abernathy book signings let me tell you that right how do you feel about pierce I love him. I thought he was gay for so long. Yeah. And he's not. Many still do. Many still do. Has it been debunked? Yes. It's a curse to be that hot. If you look like that. Is he too beautiful for you? Because the Lana husband, the Dax Shepherds, it seems like you have more of an older, grizzled type. Yeah. Well, first of all, yes. First of all, he's not my type. I like my men that look like they've been hit by a Mack truck of steroids. My type is RFK Jr. Do you know what I mean? So Pierce Abernathy is too porcelain dull for me. But I do love the grand tradition of someone who is real thin, who's cooking. I'm obsessed with it. Truly, he is wispy. He's so thin. Does Gwyneth fit into that category as well? Yes. She's always whipping up a chorizo omelet and looking fucking snatched as hell. Oh, her boy.

Her boyfriend breakfasts is I'm addicted. I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with this. Wait, are you not following Gwyneth? Honestly, I might not. I feel too close to it. Why? I don't know. I mean, I might. I don't know. Well, you surround yourself with so many fucking Gwyneths, by the way, that you don't need to. Your cup is full. But she's cooking on Instagram. She's got goop at home. She's doing... quote-unquote boyfriend breakfast so she does she does this crazy thing where she does like these videos that i think she kind of does herself or do you think her social media manager handles it jason it looks like it's an intimate thing of just her in her kitchen but You know, knowing the way things work nowadays, there's probably... Yeah, there's got to be some creative director. So she's basically like in her... There's an Asian gay guy holding a phone on a tripod. Yeah, it's totally me like, yes, mama, like chop up that chorizo, gag, slay boots. No, she literally like goes to her garden. She like literally is like wearing soft linen. She like picks up the garden and she makes this breakfast that honestly looks incredible. And then she feeds it to Brad Valchek. And honestly, I'm riveted. It's literally like my leftovers. That's my prestige TV. Okay. Is he, okay, is Brad, and you see him bite into it? Well, Brad is, she kind of operates from this place of, like, Brad is kind of, like, heard but not seen. Like, I don't think she really kind of, like, talks him around. Do you feel like that's correct, Jason? I've never seen what he looks like. I've never heard him talk. I didn't even really, like, I forget that she's in a relationship. Brad is hot as fuck. I want to be very clear about that. Oh, really? I wouldn't go that far, but. He's hot. For a writer? are you kidding me he's a model yeah i mean no he is a pretty good looking guy he kind of looks like an older pierce yeah oh my god all roads lead back to pierce i i don't but i don't find him i don't know i just but also he wrote glee which is giving fag well that feeling when you've written Didn't he like work for Ryan Murphy? Wasn't that his whole thing? He was with Ryan Murphy. He did Pose. He did Pose with Ryan Murphy. Yeah. I love Pose season one. You did? I don't know why I liked those fucking queens. Yeah. I never saw it.

I really didn't. That's how he meant to be shady. I never saw it. But yeah, I know he was in the Ryan Murphy camp for a long time. And then I'm sure he felt his soul disintegrating and then broke out on his own. Sure. And now he's in, you know, he's in. Now he's in Montecito. Yeah. He's in Montecito making sure that everything's good with the house. Honestly, this is like a good, like I'm using this as a trajectory for my life goal. Like I want to be 55 with a good hairline. being a kept man in Montecito. How do you guys feel about Apple Martin being cast in Nancy Meyers' new movie? I'm good with whatever Apple Martin does. Whatever Apple wants to do, I'm going to support it. An apple a day, Chris. An apple a day. I love to support young female creators. I didn't know that she was being cast in the new Nancy Meyers. By the way, I love, literally, she is skid marks on the driveway from Vanderbilt, just graduated two days ago, already booked a Nancy Meyers movie. I mean, she's done with civilian life. No, she's also in... like the new chloe campaign i think yeah like but but she's fully done with civilian life she's like okay i did the four-year college because you know gwyneth was probably like babe you gotta go to college and she was probably gritting her teeth and she was like fine i'll do four years in vanderbilt but literally a day after cap and gown i am on set with nancy and i'm getting my fucking back her going to vanderbilt is also i mean that's some random well random i think it's random it is but it's also like it's like a very particular random I don't know. If you're from the South, it's like a Vandy girl. It's like a thing. What is it? What does that mean? It's just like a certain kind of like Southern rich sorority. It's just like a very certain kind of thing. I lurk her and all her friends, of course, because it's incredible. It's like they're just true college students, like posting grainy, weird party pics, like red solo cups. It's kind of amazing to know that they're just like us. Oh, yeah. I mean, I think that like I think the college experience really does bring people down to that level, no matter what. It's tough to like.

Unless you're like a Chinese billionaire and you have like your security guards at NYU. It's like pretty like there's not much. You really just want to do drugs and drink with your friends. Do you think Romy Mars and Apple Martin have interfaced? No, they hate each other for sure. I'm obsessed with Romy. Obsessed. They have to hate each other. Has Romy come on here? She should. I don't think her guardian would allow that. Well, she's wilding out and going rogue all the time on TikTok. No, I know. But I think on her own channels, it's different. You know what I mean? I don't know. She's Claudia Conwaying her mom in such a great way. Like literally she's going rogue and she's literally being like, yeah, I was raised by nannies, like literally LOL. And then she released that song, A-Lister. Have you guys heard that? But the song's good. It's good. I love it. Better than it needs to be. Just like my bio. Was it produced by, did her dad do it? Or is it like all her homies? Yeah, her homies. Yeah, she's 21, babe. Come on, give me a break. I mean, I'm sure it was like... 21-year-olds are the people that make the most music, I would say. Maybe Northwest produced it or something. Jason's a Northwest head. That's his... Oh, really? That's your... Northwest is your North star? He's a Northie. No, I would not say that, but for whatever reason, because hip-hop is in such a bad place right now, by default, Northwest is like... above average compared to the shit that is coming out and she's 12 so that's i don't i don't know what any of this means but like i guess drake released new albums like does that resonate with you guys like i don't i don't know what it resonates with chris uh it resonates but it's i mean it's i would say that it's uh i mean it's done pretty well that's all this queen has been talking about the last week really it's interesting because it's like even this who i mean he's you know the most streamed artist of all time or whatever, probably. Yes. Probably. Yeah. Everybody gets like a week. Like it's crazy. No matter what you do, no matter how big it is, no matter how much money you spend, no matter how popular it is, you get a week.

If that. Well, Drake is grandfathered in in this really interesting way where he was like majorly famous for a few years. And then he kind of followed the Lady Gaga trajectory, someone who famously I don't like. And he kind of like faded into irrelevance, I feel like. I mean, this is someone who's not a Drake fan just like watching from very afar. But he is legacy. I understand that. But like, I don't know what he's done or made that's been actually relevant in a very long time. I mean, the biggest song of his career. and like a record-breaking song came out like two years ago and we don't none of us listen to it what what is it it's like giving like cold play like what's the vibe no no no it's like a dance it's like a dance called nokia like the phone it's like a dance song that's crazy that's what i mean it's like things are just so it doesn't like you can have the biggest like are you familiar you're probably not familiar with the uh i'm choosing texas ella ella langley biggest biggest song in the world why are you guys doing this to me making people up No, no, no. Ella Langley does sound made up. What's next? Olivia Dean? I've suffered enough. Olivia Dean. That Olivia Dean song, unbelievable song. Absolute smash. So good. I think people don't care about her anymore. She had her week, and everyone's like, yes, she's very talented. Yes, it's awesome. Just like Ray, R-A-Y-E. But no one's like, I really want to go back and listen to it. This is how I found out about Olivia Dean. I go to this erotic. workshop in esalen okay where basically i'm like getting edged for three days by a bunch of like burning man motherfuckers like it's psychotic mentally ill and of course i make connections and of course all of them live in san francisco so i go you know obviously i'm gonna go to san francisco i'm gonna get some writing done And so one of them invites me over to their house and he's like, I want to play you this, this person that I've just been loving lately. And I'm like, okay. And it's, it's Olivia. It's Olivia. I go, what in the hell of the credits? It's giving, it's giving ends credits of Hills for real. Olivia Dean feels really, really not gay to me. I just like, don't get it. I'm literally like, I, again, I just think of Lauren Conrad with Audrina at toast. You know what I mean?

like literally like but that but think about but ryan but ryan think about how powerful that is that is what you're saying is really a vote of montages of priuses driving this way and that down melrose as we do a location change oh take me back honey the loboties were so good back then did you see you know stephen coletti looks great are you kidding me like absolutely he looks great what about justin bobby though it doesn't resonate with me Again, you know me. I need retirement community or bust. Justin Bobby really looks like a male hairdresser derogatory. Because he looks like, oh, you have all these motorcycles and long hair and a beard and tattoos. I'm sorry, you do what? You curl women's hair? Oh, okay, I got it. That's a specific Orange County bro trope. A lot of guys I know who are like... Shout out to 18 Visions, Jason. Shout out to 18 Visions. Tatted up, Cannibal Corpse shirt, but yeah, I go to Paul Mitchell on the weekend. that i'm getting there's a there's a very serious hardcore to hairdresser pipeline for men that existed in Jason and I's generation. Sounds like a Morrissey lyric. But it's real. It's crazy. It would be like you're tatted up, you're straight edge, you dress like crazy, you look crazy, but you are a hairdresser. You went to Aveda or you went to, in Atlanta, it was Van Michael's salon. You're gay. You know, all this stuff. Because you make pretty good money. You know what I mean? Because the moms want to go to you because you're like the edgy guy. You spend your day, you wake up, you ride the fucking Harley to Newport Beach. And then you just kind of flirt with 55-year-old rich women, smoke a couple cigs. And you stump the Audrina Partridges of the world. You leave them stumped. Leave them brainless. Audrina said she's going to try to fix me. Good fucking luck, bitch. She doesn't even know how to put gas in her car. That's so funny. She fixed me a little bit, but I still do cheat on her. Okay, let's go. I want to circle back to our friend Jake Shane. I just saw a tweet saying... Oh, no, stop. Jake Shane.

Alleging Jake Shane is the next Truman Capote. I like this. No, I like this. I like this. Wait, no, come on, you guys. I cannot strong enough. I'm not strong enough for the Truman Capote comparison. Let him have this. I am getting knocked the GDM down. I'm getting, I cannot, I cannot. It's a modern day. Look, the parallels. Are we hobbling you with this info right now? The parallels are too strong to ignore. I'm getting more disabled. My limp is getting more pronounced. I'm going to need, after this podcast, I'm going to need a goddamn walker after this. He's acting up. Yeah, I'm pausing the fuck out right now. Okay? Oh my god. Can you explain to us why? Why this is such a trigger? Yeah, Ryan, explain. There are people. Why aren't you holding hands with Kaya Gerber? The celebrities, exactly. The celebrities they're making now, I believe, need to go back in the factory because they ain't done yet, okay? Whenever I think of a new girl they just made, you know, like a Brooke Snader type, I'm like, what's happening? No, Brooke Snader is fully realized, big bro. She was at 350 for 20 minutes and she came out piping hot. No, I disagree. her cooked we're gonna get salmonella poisoning just by looking at her kind of frozen in the middle no it's giving like we need to thaw her out it's frozen in the middle from some sculpting jason but it's not all i'm asking for is some goddamn all i'm asking for some goddamn consent okay because i did not consent to these people taking over i did not okay so why don't you so you said you cannot handle the truman capote comparison obviously i'm not saying that he's a he's an amazing writer of of a generation but but he is befriending these girls and maybe with sinister intentions. The comparison is crazy because Truman Capote was a troll, slept with love, but he was also incisive, cutting, like intellectual, very bright. And I feel like what I've seen of Jake Shane is he's very single fan tech. Like, it's like that. This is my, you know what I mean? Like, this is what I've like. I've micro, I've microdosed him. Just microdosed, right? Well, that's all you, that's all you can do based on size. You guys. Okay. Well, imagine if Truman Capote, instead of being a cutting, concisive writer, had a tick tock show because it's 2026. You got to adjust. Get with the times O'Connell.

And also, he's still young. He's gathering info right now. He's in the... pre-stages of his full capote. And his salons, they save booths for him at Erwan for his salons. So it's like all the girls come. By the way, all these girls have never had a gay friend, I feel like. I truly, it's giving like... Actually, well, Fi, that guy, that boy Fi, but he's not out, so it doesn't count. It's just giving that'll do pig. I mean, that's the vibe. So like, it's like, I can't. So I'm listening to an episode, okay? Because I want to know. I want to know what's going on, right? And sometimes you need to take a break from tax. You know what I mean? So I'm listening to it and this is literally like what it is. It's like, oh my God, I fucking love you. And then the celebrity is like, are you kidding me? I feel like so safe right now. Like, like literally like we're family. Like I literally was like, okay, like I'm with you. We're safe. We're fucking family. And he's like, no, we're fucking family. And it's like literally like this weird. fake intimacy off you know what i mean where it's like basically they're just professing their love for each other until their literal brains blow out and there's just guts all over the podcast studio like i i just don't understand there are no questions there's no inquiry really in general like it's so odd and like not to be this girl that's like journalism is dead but like bring back lynn hershberg like bring back that kind of thing because there's none of that anymore it's so bizarre it's so boring it's so boring bro we go over this all the time it's they're not gonna they don't have to do it because they own their channels are bigger than any any platform can give them so it's like anything challenging why would i do that when i can go on tiktok and dance in a bikini and have an ice matcha, and we're good to go. Yeah, why go see Hunter and max out your deadlift when you get better gains just, you know, walking down the street? Yeah, I can go to the Aloe Gym with Jake Shane and wear a sleeveless, you know, dry fit. Also, when you were doing your vocal impression of Jake Shane's... It did sound like Truman Capote. I'm just going to say. So I asked ChatGPT to compare Jake Shane and Truman Capote. Yeah, what they say. They have a distinctive speaking style and persona. That is both true. They're both gay social commentator energy havers. This is my favorite one. They're both tiny raconteur archetypes. Raconteur. They're witty.

compact and flamboyant storytellers. They're raconteuring at Sushi Park. It's really going down. I guess maybe I just need more time to adjust because I feel like I went to bed one night living, laughing, and loving. The next day, I was like, okay, Jake Sheen is actually deeply famous and why have you never heard of him? And also, he's going to be on Broadway and he's doing this and he's with Kaya Gerber. And I'm like, what happened when I was asleep? Like what happened? This is how it goes. This is how it goes, bro. We're moving to the speed of light. I leave my station for eight hours. I leave my station for eight hours and literally they let him in. and it's not okay you sound like you sound like justin bobby we left the foils on for too long he said i left i left for eight hours i come back that being said scotty where are we at with the therapist booking are we there are we there did we get it i mean i do feel like though he i i appreciate the fact and call her daddy's like this too but it's just like there's no one that's not a at the exact right moment like they don't mess around with like there's no like this is my friend or this person is just cool and funny it's only celebrities or someone from love island that just got kicked off yeah we are peaking on we are peaking right now and we have them and you don't and i i respect it while we're burning so many virtual bridges where do you guys stand on alex cooper are you calling her daddy or call your is it call your daddy or call her daddy call her daddy i mean look alex cooper Having a baby to run interference on bad press, amazing. That's incredible. That's commitment like I've never seen before. That's a commitment like I've never seen before. I have to respect it. She is hot. I've always said that. She is hot. She's hot. No one can stop her. But I think that there's this Vanity Fair story that I keep hearing about that's coming out. Me too. I can't wait. And it keeps getting pushed back and blah, blah, blah. So apparently there's something, but I don't think it's going to be anything. I don't think it's really going to. I hope it. you know is crazy i'd wonder if it can be but i've having a announcing a pregnancy to distract from bad press is is

unbelievable. I know. It's incredible. Honestly, you kind of have to respect it. Is this piece going to be about her husband apparently being psychotic and screaming at everybody? I mean, I think it's, yeah, but I don't care about that. I'm like, whatever, dude. Oh, I forgot. You're only in it for the Alex Earl tea. Yeah, I am. I don't, like, mean boss stuff. Give me that Earl Grey tea, baby. Mean boss doesn't move the needle for me. I could care less. Like, oh, a guy was an asshole to a social media manager? Who cares? Like, I don't, like, of course it's not great. but that's not like piping hot tea. It's fork found in drawer. Yeah, it's just like, who cares about that? If you still get excited about that or like... arguing about intern pay it's like dude what are we talking about this is like let's talk about something bad like are they robbing people is there some weird are they putting this money into an arms race that we don't know about like how bad can this be but i feel like screaming at people is like kind of retro i feel like it's like because it never went out of style we just pretended that it did do you know what i mean people were always behaving monstrously they just had to sort of keep it under lock and key for a while i don't know but i just think that that doesn't i mean obviously that is a that is a you know a blemish on someone's character but that to me is not like gonna my eyes aren't gonna bulge out of my head when i'm reading it you know what i mean it's not gonna it's not gonna like spin me right around i just want everyone to be a little more interesting that's all i'm asking that's all i'm asking i don't i don't disagree i don't disagree with you but i think that there's like a I feel like that. I don't know. I mean, I feel like you can do that or you can go like Ivy Wolk where it's like OD. No, I'm obsessed with her. She's my queen. It's OD. No, she's my queen. I'm addicted to her. Like she's going to, first of all, she's going to run the world and like she's 21. She's honey. When I was 21, I was like ordering Percocet, like fucking Grubhub, like literally like that was all I was doing, like watching the Rachel Zoe project, like in a flow state. And she is literally writing brilliant captions on Instagram that like what I'm telling.

What I'm telling you is that there needs to be a middle ground and there's not. That's what I'm trying to say. I know what you mean. There is her going absolutely crazy, scaring the hoes level of behavior that is going to be tough to bottle, I think, for money-making purposes. If you're scared of that, then you are a hoe. I understand. There's two roads to take. You either line your brain with strawberry glazed smoothie from Erewhon and go full Terry Schiavo vegetative state. Or you're doing Ivy. I totally understand. I just mean like if they're not going to hire Dasha to be an actress. I feel like Ivy could run into similar problems if it keeps going the way it's going because you can't just say whatever you want. No, but Ivy is way more nuanced. Dasha was so first draft. Guys, I'm telling you. I'm fine with all that, but the leash ain't that long, bro. The leash ain't that long if you want to make real bread. Yeah, but Ivy's on the right side of history. Everything that she's saying, most people in the brain agree with. It's true. And Dasha's saying Nick Fuentes is hot. and like JD Vance could get it and stuff. I don't disagree with any of that. Yeah, like literally, like Dasha's doing a pap stroll at Erewhon with Alex Jones. You know what I mean? So it's like literally like, and Ivy's just like being chic. Guys, the world changes very quickly. I'm just saying to you. We're saying it's leaving you behind, Grandpa. I'm saying one day you can be on Succession and the next day you're back podcasting. That's all I'm trying to say. That's all I'm trying to say. The winds blow. I think she's awesome. I think she's really funny. I like all of it. I'm just saying that that level of extremity is really fun until you get to certain levels and people don't understand anymore. Is that the Awkwafina effect? Sorry for interrupting, Ryan. No, but having cursory knowledge of the Ivy lore is that she's been canceled and renewed since she was 13 years old. She was literally in the sandbox in the sixth grade getting canceled by weirdos on the internet telling her to go kill herself. So I feel like she's almost weirdly cancel-proof. She's lived through so many identities online. I'm not saying cancel. You guys are misunderstanding me. I'm saying that the people who write the check are going to be like, I don't get this. This is too weird. That's what I'm saying. Yes.

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When she, I'm not saying, when she has to sell her ideas to the Ralphs of the world of Hollywood. That's what I'm saying. It's going to be hard because it's cool and it's too cool. That's the problem. It's too funny. It's too good. Beyond, beyond the Ralphs of the world are going to go full stigmata. The second she starts talking, like they're going to be gushing blood in fucking Culver city and they're not. Yeah, no, of course not. She's too weird and too smart. And unfortunately we are, Hollywood is in truly such a flop era that I can't imagine. imagine that yes i completely agree with that that's all i'm saying that's all i'm saying but i okay i gotta run ryan but thank you for joining us today on how long gone we love you and uh all right the book is out when now oh um i think it's may 26th okay i feel like i've lived with it for so long as a privileged As a privileged Goodreads member, I was sent a galley copy of this. He's been jacking off to this book for months at this point. Yeah, yeah. You guys have both been involved in the unveiling. You've read two entries of the Slut Diaries, Chris. People call us allies. I don't like labels like that. There's nothing I want more than to see you thrive. So anything I can do, we love to platform you. But no, thank you for coming. Good to talk to you as always. Get the book. Get all the books. And we'll see you soon. Good to see you, bro. Thank you, guys. Mooch.