937. - Paul W. Downs

All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Stateside with Kai and Carter, a new podcast from The Guardian. And they are using this podcast to slow down the news and wrestle with the questions that we all have about what's happening in the world. And they do it three times a week. Jason, does that sound familiar to you? We don't really talk about, you know, a lot of international global news items and climates and cultures and sports and things like that. We do talk about fashion and wellness, but for everything else, Kai and Carter are a great place. All right, so who couldn't use more news? Listen wherever you get your podcast. or watch on YouTube. How long gone? Super Tuesday, them jeans. What's Gucci? Yeah, sorry. I came on a little bit late. It's shipping and receiving day here at... kfo industries got some shoots coming up so i got i got dhl i got world net i got you when are you gonna nut up and tell her to do her job or is that not really an option uh we do her job together chris and no i mean the reason why i'm doing this is because she is on set today so normally she's receiving all of these things but today you know she's on set and i'm i'm doing a little receiving so sometimes you know I turned the on air sign here on at how long gone and then ding dong. You know what I mean? Ding dong. Ding fucking ding dong. And these motherfuckers, we need signatures, photos, last four of the social on some of these garments, you know? What do you need? Do you got, you got ID on you, sir? We just need to check it. Just give us one second. But yeah, I'm good. I'm good. Still riding high off of our last episode when we were talking about, um, you know, the, the ballroom of it all. I know we have a few minutes on the intro, so we can save most of it for our guests. But I was saying, like, maybe a theory is Trump really does just, like, ball so much. And I've been reading more on it. There's more so, like, an underground bunker underneath the ballroom with, like, AI drone control missiles or whatever. But there is a quote. They interviewed him after the shooting, and Trump said, I see so many tuxedos and beautiful dresses.

It was a little different of an evening than we thought, but we're going to do it again. I still think he really does love a beautiful, elegant ball. I don't think he knows what elegant means based on what I've seen. I think he does like what you were talking about. Palm Beach elegant. PB elegant is a different vibe, I think. PB elegant industries, bitch. I'm not going to disagree with you. I think there's definitely some truth to that. I think that the reasoning is probably... flawed somehow if we get into it as far as like why he actually likes it it's not going to be like because the chicks look hot in dresses and I look good in a tuxedo you know what I mean it's going to be something a little more sinister I want it to be no I want it to be like a deep childhood trauma thing like when he was a kid and you know he would have to go to these balls all the time and the ball is the only time where mommy and daddy aren't hitting me or whatever you know whatever it is so that's why he really believes that ballrooms will will make The world Gila guy. I think there could. I mean, his father hates him, so his mom probably hates him too. So there could be something where his dad was at the ball. Who knows? Fundraising events. And then also a callback to the Scientology speed running. A friend of the show, Asim, an old DJ friend of mine, he mentioned that now all these groups of teens are trying to break into the Church of Scientology. this is the perfect sort of vehicle for Tom Cruise to bring back one more Mission Impossible. He has to defend HQ against all these Edgars in Yoshi fuzzy costumes. I honestly don't even know how to respond to that. I can't talk about furry stuff. You know what I mean? Yoshi's, that kind of stuff, I get lost a little bit. You know what I mean? Because I don't know how to feel about it because I want people to be able to express themselves however they want, but also you're a disgusting freak. You know what I mean? So it's a little bit of a, it's tough for me personally. What's the age cutoff though? What's the furry age cutoff? Cause every once in a while, you know, you're hanging out. Oh, you know, my kid identifies as a hedgehog this week. We just kind of go along with it versus like my kid is a hedgehog full life. You know what I mean? I think it's probably, it feels like, I don't know, 15.

I feel like it's... What if every state had a furry age of consent? They should be worried more about that than some shit they worried about. You think I give a fuck about a trans athlete? Get these furries off the fucking streets, bro. I don't care who's swimming. Who gives a fuck? They got it all fucked up. They got us fucked up. Do the Furlympics. I'll be tuning into that shit. I'll get Peacock Plus for that shit. How much we got to pay for the Furlympics? I was reading something maybe a month ago and the discourse was that... You know, people are sleeping on furries, but a lot of them are like quite wealthy and really live these sort of baller lifestyles. They rent out these elaborate like white lotus resort mansions and they take over the whole shit. I think we forget. I definitely agree. I think that rich people are the only ones that can afford to act that stupid. Like if you own a fucking very successful, you know, shipping company. in in wisconsin and you got millions of dollars and you're a little freak then you can do you know who cares like that's that you know there's no you got nothing else to live for it's one of those things you meet him at the dinner party and you're like wow that's a really interesting you were so boring before and now i found out that you're a furry that makes you really interesting i also don't have any further questions i have no real desire to explore that very interesting theme that defines you i don't want to share i don't want to share this butter with you at all just so just so we're clear i don't know where those hands have been i get some hair in my Split P. Is that fur? God damn it. I'm hypoallergenic. Don't worry. Don't worry. I got fur in my burrata. I heard Matt Bellany talking about being at the thing. It was so funny. He was talking about being at the Correspondent Center, and he was like, yeah, I was there with my kid, and then I went back to the hotel, and the nerdy guy from Bloomberg was like, oh, were you? Was the kid, he's like, nah, he's fine, whatever. He just completely was like, nah, whatever, we explained it to him. But he kept calling it a burrata salad, which I don't, like obviously I'm not an expert here, but I've never heard, is that a phrase? Because I know what burrata is and I know what a salad is. A burrata salad sounds like.

burrata sitting on top of some unnecessary greens? Or am I mistaken? Is there a burrata? No, I don't think you're mistaken, Chris. I think a burrata is an ingredient in a salad. Got it. But to call it a burrata salad, I think what they just mean, it's probably some version of like a caprese salad. Sure. But it has the burrata instead of the mozzarella. Okay. Which is just a ball of mozzarella fresh that's been injected. like my red uh with uh just some simple heavy whipping cream some italian cream so that shit of course gets all gushy on the inside i was just sexier ed song i was just i was like i don't think that's correct you know i don't matt's not a foodie you know i mean he's too busy talking about the paramount takeover or whatever but i was he's got he's got one one eye he's got one headphone in he's got am radio for the angels game That's real talk, though. He's only half podcasting because he's on MLB.com checking the boxes. Matt, he's at the bar. He's like, you get no Michelob Ultras at all, okay? What kind of fucking dinner is this? You're going to make me eat burrata with no Michelob Ultra? This is fucking bullshit. I can't do both now. I like a pairing. This place is cash, bro. This place is cash. I haven't heard cash in a while. We got to bring that back. That's good. This place is fucking cash. That's some cash, bro. I agree. I agree. So what's going on? yeah i was i was one one cooking thing all that burrata got me thinking um i you know i'm always predicting what's the the next food trend we have all these mayonnaises and sauces we got truffle the truffle sauces the a the molly ba's mayonnaise and things i'm thinking gravy is gonna be the next sauce we're gonna we're gonna realize that gravy is actually very good for you nobody nobody wants that bro gravy is gravy gravy and maybe i'm maybe i'm mistaken this is my own trauma it's a protein sauce but it's it feels it feels too fat boy to make a comeback right now even though i know that it's necessarily not Pouring a heavy brown sauce on top of your food feels fat boy. It's spiritually fat. It's spiritually fat no matter what the truth is. I agree, but I think there's enough people out there who want that spiritually fatty kick of an unctuous gravy. Do not say unctuous gravy. God damn it. It sounded like, boy. Boy.

Come on, bro. Unctuous gravy? What the fuck? That sounds like a guy hoping for MF Doom, bro. You can't be talking about unctuous gravy like that. They did like the Pacific Northwest with Primus in 97. No, it was a short run. It was like Seattle. No, but you can make gravy. Oh, I know. You can get some like Erewhon bone broth rich with minerals. collagen for all of our all of our female listeners right there who have removed all of the fat from their face get it get it back in there and it has all that flavor of the protein you just add in a little cornstarch you know just like a fucking a gator tails bumps worth of cornstarch it thickens up not too much And cornstarch is basically, you know, a quarter, you know, half a teaspoon is not going to, it has like 10 calories. It's not gluten-free. It's a freebie. Okay. So, you know, watch the space. I'm going to be innovating. Maybe I'll make a gravy video soon, but we need to take gravy back. I don't know. It's a sauce that we're sleeping on. I would say maybe, wait, I know that you have your predictions, but I would say gravy as we move into the warmer months is even less likely. Timing's not perfect. Timing's not great. I'm not saying, maybe you should have held this one until North Face season. But also, I love a challenge. Sure. What's a summer gravy, right? Exactly. It's like when you go to the Middle East and it's 150 degrees and they want you to drink hot tea because it cools you. I'm sure it's true. I'm sure it's true, but I don't know if I personally believe that. You know what I mean? I'm sure it's true. After the beach volleyball sesh, we're going to go, no fish tacos, guys. Exactly. No chips and guac. We're going to cool down with a nice bison gravy. Also, I mean, could a gravy in a Stanley, could that replace sort of the bone broth of today? You know what I mean? That's a question. All right. We got a guest today. These publicists can't leave us alone. Paul W. Downs is joining us. You know him from Hacks. He's one of the greats, one of our favorite shows here on How Long Gone.

But he also went to Duke University, which I want to hear if he got any Southern flavor. He's such a fucking blue devil now that you see that. If he picked up any Southern flavor down there or not. It feels like if he has, he's shaking it all off completely. I know he was a swimmer when he was younger. I hope he made the Duke squad. I think it was more for... improv but you know swimming is okay swimming is improv in itself if you i got into duke full improv ride yeah god imagine if call just started giving fucking improv scholarships what a nightmare oh god all right let's give let's give uh let's give paul a call yeah and my improv team's gonna get fucking smoked in that conference bro you know who we're going up against we got the or we got the oregon ducks next week and you know they're they're notoriously against michigan This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by a new podcast from The Guardian stateside with Kai and Carter. This is covering a lot of our bases, Jason. It's trying to slow down. The news and wrestle with the questions we all have about what's happening in the world. And I know you particularly have quite a lot of questions. A lot of questions, but how often? Because we do this podcast three times a week and that's a sweet spot. How many times do they do? Three times a week. And I have a feeling just based on the platform and these talking points that they're maybe going to be covering different stuff than we do. That's just a guess. The Guardian is not some billionaire owned. They're not afraid to say what they want to say, brother. Yeah, Rupert ain't sniffing around in what journalists Kai Wright and Carter Sherman are up to over there at Stateside. But yeah, listen wherever you get your podcasts. You can watch it on YouTube. It's three times a week. And who couldn't use more news? You know, especially when it's not, you know, from here, let's say. Give it a listen. Give it a listen. All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Quince. Jason, the temps are warming up. It's getting hot out there. Summer always changes how I get dressed. I need pieces that feel lighter, more breathable, and they're just easy, but still put together. I don't want to look like a slob. That's why I keep coming back to Quince. They focus on high-quality essentials that feel and look amazing. Breathable linen and soft organic cottons. Well-made basics, but without the luxury markups. That rare balance where everything feels elevated.

but still effortless. Yeah, Chris, linen season is here. I wore a linen blazer to dinner a few nights ago in the warm California sun. But, you know, you got that Italy trip coming up this summer and quality European linen pants and shirts. Upgrade that look starting at just $34. You know, if you get a nice linen suit, a little t-shirt underneath it, some chill shoes, you're looking good, but you're staying cool. The inside of your special areas are nice and dry as you turn up with your besties. So elevate that summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash how long for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns, even on a nice holiday now available in Canada. That is Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash how long. That'll get you free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince punto com slash how long. You share a laptop with your chick? No, you know what happened? I had a big game. I have a lot of adrenaline surgery because there was a big game this morning. And by that, I mean there was an online auction that I've been dedicated to. So Lucia set up. the pod scenario for me very kindly okay okay did the auction did the auction and the podcast episode work out timing wise or did we have to pull out no you know um the the final lot that i was interested in just went so it's okay we're done i don't i don't before we i don't want to know anything about it scale of one to ten how gay is this item that was being auctioned oh great question i think yeah you know i think um i'm gonna give it a four okay 10 is the gayest and one is the least because it was a it's a it's a lot so we have several items to choose from for this scale is that what you're doing no no no it's a it's a single item the one that at least the very last lot but it's an item attributed to Pablo Picasso, who I think was maybe the least gay, even though one could argue that his work. Well, I think when you fuck that many chicks, you almost are gay. It turns into like you've hit the end. Pablo, infamous stick man, but also on the other hand, art itself kind of gay. So, you know, they kind of even things out, right? Art itself is culture. Isn't culture gay. So there you go. And you're right. You're right, Chris. He thinks he does protest too much. It's like, chill out. Oh, wow. You fucked all these chicks. Okay. You only need one.

Right? That's right. Yeah, that's right. You only need one. And that's why I've only had sex with one woman. So what did you, so was it a ceramic? It was a ceramic. It was a ceramic. It was a ceramic. Great guess. It was a ceramic. It was a Picasso plate. There were several ceramics and I got to tell you something. I don't want to, I should gatekeep, but they are climbing. Okay, the ceramics are the value that's going on. You should keep Pablo Picasso's artwork. Ceramics specifically. No, ceramics specifically. Cat might be out of the bag. The ceramics are... Okay, so do you have some already or is this your first toe in the water? Unfortunately, I do have an affliction. I do have some. Okay, so you're spending this money. Okay, you're spending money. I like to see this. But it is, as you said, it is accessible. This is the last season, bro. You better chill out now. You don't know what's next. A friend of mine said, you know, it's the last season and you should really like... I don't really wear watches. I don't really have a watch. He was like, you gotta invest in a watch it's like celebrate the season and i was like i might invest in a plate You're like, we need a new dish in the guest bath, and I think I'm leaning that way. That's the thing. It's great in a powder room. It's great in a powder room. I would agree with you. I think a watch is a predictable way for a man to spend money. I think a Picasso plate is a nice surprise for everybody involved. Just imagine HBO Go logo on the Rolex right there for the whole cast and crew. Not bad. Get one of the old logos. For the cast and crew. Wow, you are generous. Wow. I mean, a lot of Emmys. A lot of Emmys. He's talking like he's a football player and he's buying fucking, he's buying Hummers for his whole defensive line. It's not really. Maybe stick to the C-suite. Stick to the C-suite then when we're doling him out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is, so are you an auction guy for other stuff too or is it particularly art and collectibles and antiques? I am an auction. I mean, I'll even look at a car on an auction. Not that I've ever gone there. I haven't committed to a car, but I, my parents are a little bit auction junkies and I've inherited the.

Really? What are they copying? You name it? Furniture. Usually primitive colonial American furniture is their thing. Are they American pickers? Honestly, they are pickers. It would be rare. You're a son of a picker man. I'm a son of a picker man. You wouldn't say that to your dad's face, but you're saying it on the podcast. He would probably say I'm a picker. If you pass something of value that's been left out in a suburban neighborhood in New Jersey. we're stopping to look at it we're stopping to take out the measuring tape were you were you going to were you going to to sales like saturday mornings like the you know like an estate sale so funny so my my wife is like we can take uh our son we have a toddler to this auction because there was an auction in downtown la um jason maybe you know it billings there was an auction at billings so sure i was like i can tell you that we probably shouldn't because i remember being brought to these and like Being so bored out of my mind. It sucks. Yeah, for a kid, for a kid. I'll tell you what, Lucia, we probably shouldn't. We probably shouldn't. And also, don't bring a kid downtown. You know what I mean? Okay, there you go. Jury duty, maybe. I mean, unless you're trying to trade him for something. You know what I mean? Because then it could be. I don't know what, you know. Don't explore the new D-line on the metro rail with Lil Downs. Lil Downs. Okay, so I'm painting. The picture's being painted. You know, it's the 90s, New Jersey. You and the parents. Walk me through the donut and coffee story on those picking missions. I feel like you're a donut junkie. You feel like I'm a donut junkie? So funny. Do you know I kind of am? I'm like, have you done your research? I'm not a donut junkie. I'm a glow nut junkie. Okay. Do you guys know Glow Nut? So the Glow Nut, like the healthy alternative. Glow Nut, the one for women? The donut for women, like Chris said. Oh, wow. Okay. I feel as though donuts are not gendered. I do not think they're gender specific. I will say it is an ombre pink package. So there is something to that.

You could have just said hombre. You didn't have to say the pink part. Okay, well, I was just wondering if the glow nut obsession was sort of like, I grew up eating, you know, maple bars my whole life, and then I had to quit when I moved to Hollywood. Now, thankfully, I'm able to scratch the itch with my glow. But before, you were not really caring about a donut. Not really. I mean, I would have an old-fashioned, you know, there would be like some like... What do you call it? Like the cinnamon sugary kind of donuts. I like those. I always like those. I like things that could have existed 400 years ago. I do like desserts that like... Grandma's like. Okay. Typically. So much like your parents, you enjoy primitive art. I believe food is an art. That's right. I'm a history buff. So what are some primitive desserts? Yeah, yeah. I don't know what this is. Just eating a berry off of a tree? No, we're talking like plum pudding, you know, with hard sauce. Oh, God. I know. That sounds like punishment. Plum pudding. Yeah. But are you saying if you had, let's say, a chocolate peanut butter pie in front of you and a plum pudding in front of you, you're reaching for the plum nine out of ten times? You know, I think I am. I know. I know. Guys. That's cool. No, no. I'm glad that you know yourself and you recognize your interests. I do know myself. I do. But you're right. I am now on Glow Notes because I, you know, the truth is that I was addicted to a drink from Cinnabon for many, many, many years called the Mocha Lotta Chill. The Mocha Lotta Chill is like 1,200 calories of like Ghirardelli chocolate and caffeine. And I had it like in. Truly like elementary school. I used to get them. Sure. I'm sorry, can you say the name one more time because it's three words? Mocha Latta Chill. One word. M-O-C-H-A-L-A-T-T-A. Not latte. Latta. Because it's not a latte technically. There's a lot of mocha in there. Which comes with a huge amount of whipped cream. And they sprinkle some of the mocha latte mix onto the whipped cream. You know I was asking for a ton of that. Psycho. It was crack for children. So they have like the big pepper grinder with that cinnamon sugar blast and they go, say when. And you go, keep going, bitch. Keep going. Keep going. So you said you had this as a child in elementary school. So you're this many years old and your mom is like.

I'm going to buy you a 1,200-calorie caffeine bomb once a week. I was very well-behaved and did well in school. I did get sugar. Sure. You bring home all A's. We're going to let you kill yourself with chocolate and caffeine. I kind of OD'd. Now I am into the healthy fake dessert, hence the glow nut. Now I'm into the fake stuff. I understand. My wife brought home a bag of... what seemed to be chocolate-covered Cheerios last night from Happier Grocer, and I made fun of them because they were so stupid, like health food store dessert. And then she told me they cost $18, and then I tasted them, and unfortunately, kind of good. You know what I mean? Absolutely worth every penny. A glow nut is not going to touch. A Cinnabon. Yeah. You know, it's not going to, it's not going to, but it's, it's not bad. It's not bad. It's, it's incredible. It's why I wake up in the morning and I have to tell you, is Happier Grosser the one that's on, um, Orchard? Canal. Okay. Canal. Maybe there's one on Orchard. I don't know. Maybe not. You've been there before. I'm sure. I imagine that they would be one of the few places in New York that would carry glow nuts. Oh, they're, oh, they're glow nutty for sure. Yeah. Okay. For sure. No question. I haven't checked, but I can say with certainty. Okay. Well, go get them because they're out of business. Anyway, it's too sad. We shouldn't really do that. So Glow Nuts is going out of biz. It is. It's out of business. I heard this, but is it voluntary or is it because business is so bad? Great question. I think to break into the specialty food market. A lot of CPG listeners right now. The big grocery is really challenging. So I think it was a little bit of like. the market so many skews right now the skew wars it's hard why don't you have a little business i mean i know you have this tv thing but what about some other where are you putting this money besides ceramics like you got to open something or start something you're so you're so right i did think can i save clonuts and then i was like what am i doing i'm not

I can't get into specialty health. I don't think you need to buy a distressed asset. I think you could start from scratch. I think that's where you're at. I think you could take one of your interests and really package it up and sell it to the masses. Yeah, never use your own money for that. You'd have to wrangle up some investors. Your agents at William Morris or CAA do something called packaging? Yes, that's right. Capital's super cheap right now, so I think it's a good time to move. They could put you together with a creator who could kind of make this happen for you. It's so true. It's so true. Well, I'm going to get on that. Now that I have time. Now that Hacks is done, I can start thinking about my... Because I'm sure you've seen Glenn Powell's sauce collection. Have you seen that or no? I haven't. Can you believe it? I haven't. I've been under a rock. Glenn's making ketchup, barbecue sauce, mustards, et cetera. Okay. He's doing the Paul Newman thing. Okay. He's doing the Paul Newman thing. It's for guys like us, though. You know what I mean? Very leading man. It's more of a conceal and carry Paul Newman. You know what I mean? But in spirit, yes, he is doing a Paul Newman thing. Paul Newman's Coachella, this is more of a stagecoach sauce. Yeah, this is a stagecoach business. Yeah, this is a stagecoach business. Right. Okay. I mean, honestly. Honestly, it'll do really well, I'm sure. And I bet it's not. Wasn't Newman's partially for charity or something? All for charity. We've told this story on the pod before, but the famous thing is that he made salad dressings in his bathtub and gave them out for Christmas presents to his neighbors, and one of his neighbors was Martha Stewart, and she told him that he should do it, turn it into a business, and then he did, and then it exploded. And he said, can I just get paid in pussy? And they're like, yeah, sure. Yeah, whatever you want, bro. All pads return to Martha Stewart. I mean, that woman. Her self-made billionaire. I was with her over the weekend at this hotel opening in Italy. Okay, that's the dream? You didn't say Martha was there, Chris. Martha was there. She was only there for half the time, but Martha was there and she really travels with a three executive gaze and it's a nice...

You know, like one guy's here for this, one guy's here for, you know, they're all in the pictures together, but she's never alone. And I think that's why she's got so much spunk. Right. And she's still so with it is because she's going back and forth with these queens 24 hours a day. Wow. And you've met her before. I know that. I've met her a couple of times because she's around. I've heard that. She's around. She was in Milan for Salone, Jason, because she was doing something with Kohler. the sink brand. Of course. Love the good people at Kohler. Excellent. Like a good sink. I'm glad you're calling it. She's the face of Kohler. One of the faces of Kohler. I'm sure you have several Kohlers in your own. The many faces. Yeah, they build a nice little faucet. So much like Deborah Vance on your TV show Hacks, surrounded by a gaggle of executive gays, you're not really an iconic diva if you don't have that, right? That's so true. You can't imagine Mariah Carey walking down the street. dolo, you know, walking the dog. She's got to have three at least. Oh, she's got a team. I actually, this sounds braggy, but I was at a party once that she came to at someone's home. Mariah Carey, thank you for making that. This wasn't at the Eagle. It wasn't at the Eagle, sweetie. This was at a private residence. It was at someone's home. This is pretty good. And she came in with, I think, her security detail who moved furniture to create a VIP area for her to sit at. I'm not kidding. In the living room. Move like a loveseat, move to chair, and then there was like a little area. Dude, that is good stuff right there. I've never told that story, but that's true. The gone effect. The question is, the real question is a Madonna, a Mariah Carey, a Debra Vance. Could we get this? Can we find the buff, scary security guards that are also gay? So therefore, it's a one-stop. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's actually a great character. That should have been in Hax. That is an amazing character. We need muscle, but we still can't afford to have a sis on the team. Like a Navy SEAL that's out of the closet now. You know what I mean? There's something there. That's a Navy otter, Chris. It's a Navy otter is what we call those. There's something there.

There's something there. Seal Team Slay. I'm so pissed that we have no more seasons. This sucks. That is so good. Season six and a half has just been written right here, guys. I'm proud of you guys for going out when the getting's good. I feel like this is becoming a little bit of a trend in Hollywood where people know it ain't must-see TV anymore. You ain't got 12 of these in you. You got five and you got to go. Leave them wanting more, I think, is the thing. There are shows that have been on for many, many, many, many years. for them yeah i love shelton as much as you do but i'm just saying you know like like it's you know it's not i feel like it's it feels very abc it feels very network television when frazier was on every week it was a different time you know we demanded much less of our weekly television programming you know that's right even though fantastic program great program really smart i mean of course of course one of the greats but you know that was in a that was in a pre-classic or trash pre my attention span is destroyed why am i going to watch this when i have you know hot guys on my instagram or girls that's right yeah that's right yeah to look at it's hard it's hard to compete now have you really been whoring yourself out that's why we stopped we were like oh it's so hard to compete which is why we quit our jobs yeah Well, I don't think, look, I don't think of Hacks as something that's competing with OnlyFans creators necessarily, but I see where you're coming from. Yes, yes. No, no, no. It's not an A-B. I think also for ours, we were like, you know, unlike Tracer, we didn't want to do something that was so much a sitcom where the characters didn't change and you could just do it a million times. We really pitched like the full arc. And so we were like, you know what? She is going to get there. After that, it would have to become a sitcom. It would become a different show. So you're saying when you went in first time, you're like, here's the fucking plan. Like, this is the whole thing. We pitched the last episode in every pitch, except for HBO Max, because they...

Again, this sounds very self-aggrandizing, but they stopped us. They were like, we get it. We'd like to make it before we told them the ad. Must be nice. You know what? Stop right there. Stop right there. It was very nice. It was very nice. So basically, you got a blowjob and you're like, okay, and then I'm going to reciprocate. And they're like, no, no, no. Sucking your dick was good enough. That's all I needed. It's easy for something like that to go to your head. We're done here. Send over the paperwork. You know, to his or her own. If it gets you off, great. Okay. Was that beneficial in terms of like the... finale the last episode going to be something that required you know a big lift budgetary wise or you know cameo wise or location wise that maybe they signed up for yes i mean before knowing what it was there was there was we did shoot in france for some of it so yes there was that but you're like oh by the way we have to rent out madison square garden for the uh kind of kind of yeah um i don't want to spoil but we did we did rent out a pretty major venue for the record i have not seen you you sent me the episodes but i'm watching in real time every week thank you yes the right way i have to i can't i i didn't solidarity sister these fucking stupid screening they're too hard to deal with i don't even honestly i don't even care i i can't use it i get it it's really it is i wish it were more user-friendly music's the same way i really think that there's something Netflix does it where you just use Netflix. That's really good. We've said this before on the show. Spotify or Apple Music should do this for music. It would be genius if you just... I don't know why no one has done this or tried to do this. It feels so cool. You go on Netflix and there's like, here's what the regular people see. It's kind of grayed out. And then you, because you have a dumb podcast, you get to watch this now. Isn't that cool? That's amazing. They should absolutely do that. It's true of even when we get... screeners for Screen Actors Guild or DJ it is like now now it's getting better now there are like yeah there are apps and we can just go on and do it but it used to be it's like

I'm not saying, I'm saying that with music, which is more what I'm attuned to, there are three or four different ones. Right. And they're all fine, but they're not like, you have to dial, it's just not part of your life. Right, right, right. You know what I'm saying? That's the issue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. You mean for advanced? Yeah, for an advanced, yeah. Like somebody sends you their record three months ahead and it's like, all right, well, let me use this shitty, it's like an email and you have to, you know, it's just a lot. I know, I know. You can't listen to it any place you would ever listen to music. You just have to sit. It's like if they, instead of sending a screener, they say, and you like a small 19-inch TV and it has a built-in chair and you have to sit in it to watch all nine episodes or whatever. What a fun experience. It's great. It's great. Okay, well, speaking of Las Vegas, I was just there recently and I like that you filmed that episode in, what's it called? Potato? Oh, the Washing Potato at the Fontainebleau. The Washing Potato. Great looking restaurant. It was funny because Carolyn and I, my wife, we went there a few weeks ago to a restaurant opening. Cantina Contra Mar at the beautiful Fountain Blue. Oh, yes. I know. You know it well, of course. I only know because the Fountain Blue is my home away from home. And I know what they're up to. And I'm on the emails. We're both members of the Blue crew. Are you a Poodle Room member? I am not a member, but I was able to visit the Poodle Room. Okay. And there was a live concert by, what's his name, Chris? Gavin DeGraw. Oh, yeah, of course. Gavin DeGraw, live in concert. He has a little jazzy, you know, him and his... Some of his old dogs out there tickling the ivories. Guys, sorry for the uninitiated. The poodle room is a members club at the Fountain Blue property in Las Vegas. It's like a little slice of the San Vicente bungalows in Vegas. You go up to the top of the elevator to the penthouse suite. They put a sticker over your phone, and it's like a speakeasy baller's lounge. I like that, but everybody in there is ugly. Is that because it's Vegas, or is that different? They're less attractive than the LA location of the San Vicente bungalow show. Okay, so Paul, you're a member. After spending so much of HBO's money staying in the suite, they've allowed you to kind of- They have offered me a membership. They've granted you access. They've granted me access, so I am a member. If you ever want to go, let me know.

You can use my pen. You can get in. Do you think you will ever go back to Las Vegas again as long as you live, though, is the question. That's a great question. I am going back in like three weeks. I'll be back there in three weeks. But not for fun. I'm going to have a blast. I mean, it's for... Meg and I are presenting at the AMAs, so I'm going back to that. Oh, the American Music Awards. The American Music Awards. In Vegas, I would go to that. Yeah. Yeah, that sounds fun, actually. Who's performing? Let me guess. Do you have any guest list? Don't even know. I have no idea. You don't even know? I don't even know what category I'm performing at. The things are still taking shape. Sure. Sure, of course, of course. You know the American Music Awards, guys, they're super last minute. Okay, well, you've spent a lot of time in Vegas over the last number of years, and there's... a lot of you know the the discourse around vegas is like it's sort of in the shitter money's not coming in tourism's not coming in tourism is down have you thought about how you would fix las vegas what you think las vegas might need and are you are you showing that in your episodes of hacks you know we are we are and we have we've actually alluded to this one thing that we're one thing that happens this season actually is that they they're trying to open a boutique hotel casino you know that's not like a huge conglomerate that's not like the the fair that you get finally a casino for guys like us that's exactly right um so i do think that would be a great move but then again i'm not sure if i have my finger on the pulse because the fontainebleau used to be um a non-smoking casino and that did not work i loved it i was like this is great it's it smells great in here you know it's like so but people want to go and gamble and Yeah. You know, blast sakes. No, actually when I was there. Get away with that and it did more traffic, you know. I was smoking in the casino at the Fountain Blue like a month ago and I had to look around and see if it was allowed because it felt like it was too clean and non-smoky. I know. I feel like I was the only person. It is now welcome. It is now welcome. I think that making a show about Las Vegas in general is...

the Board of Tourism should be paying you for that. That's an advertisement in itself. It's no Ocean's 12, but yeah, I mean, are you a little juiced into the town now? Can you give me a Friday night, 8 o'clock at Carbone Riviera or what? I bet you I could. I bet you I could. I will say, I have some, my relationships are kind of deep now with Bellagio and with Caesars and with the Sanvo. I don't know. It's a hospitality town, and they are all so welcoming and so nice. Yeah, they're pros. Honestly, from day one, they were so welcoming and nice. Every single person, the tourism board. I mean, they know how to entertain and welcome guests. But you would go home as soon as you could. The last time we were there, we stayed two weeks, and we just didn't leave. You stayed for the—because most people, the actors will leave on the weekends because they're like, I have to go home to my family. And I tell you what. But you're like, I don't. they didn't anymore we did that season one and two we were like we're going to do this quickly we're going to go in and out we grew to love it and it's truly a home away from home i'm not kidding and this is not no i could see that i could see you having stockholm syndrome we really stayed it was great and especially now that like i don't know there's so many good restaurants there you can actually get great food the thing that happens is your lips fall off like you become absolutely raisin you absolutely you shed hair your lips become cracked. Like human life isn't supposed to be there. It's the heat and the dryness. It's not meant for life. The air conditioning is pumping so strongly because the climate outside is so punishing that even just two days there, you feel your body's... Chemistry changing. Now, would you bring the 9-11 from LA and kind of get outside the city on the weekends? Or were you just landlocked? We were landlocked. Very landlocked. We were stuck there. So it's like, you know how marathon runners, their nipples bleed? That happens after two days of being there. It is crazy. It is really intense. But otherwise, you know, the entertainment, the food, the people, it was great. Okay. Yeah, I'm sure you saw a lot of shows. You know what I mean? I'm sure you're really... You know, I saw Wizard of Oz of the Sphere.

Which I got to tell you was amazing. We had a blast, but I didn't see, I didn't do like Cirque, like a weird sex Cirque or whatever. We didn't go to any of those shows. You didn't go to Waterfucking by Cirque du Soleil? No, we didn't go to Waterfucking. We didn't do, I think our crew went to see David Copperfield. I think. Yeah, that feels like a classic kind of move, you know what I mean, if Cirque du Soleil sold out. Epstein Island's David Copperfield, one of the greats, right? Well, actually, speaking of magic, I noticed that this season, there's a little bit of a theme where you guys sort of... not the entire show, but the main character and the overall oeuvre of the moment is you're taking a stance against magic and magicians. We do. And I know that that community could be a little fierce, not so much like the BTS stan army, but has big magic come out of the smoke to get your ass? This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Squarespace. Obviously, Jason, you and I spend a lot of time on the World Wide Web. So do our peers, our listeners, our friends, our colleagues, maybe even your parents if they're freaky. And if you're doing anything in the world, writing, taking pictures. I do topless boxing. You need a website. Exactly. A website that works, that does what it's supposed to do, that allows you to be creative but also business-minded. Jason, there's one place to go for that, Squarespace. Yeah, Chris, I'm over here. I'm modifying calculators and putting Claude inside of them so you could cheat at school. And I just want a place where I could have everything all in one place. I can have the SEO tools so those future graduates can find me. And I'm able to accept, quote unquote, donations for my services that might be gray area. You know what I mean? And then email campaigns. Hey, I got a new 2.3 version upgrade. Boom, boom, boom. Get the analytics going. Raise some money. Show your investor all of your cool analytics of what's going on. They're going to want to get in early. And we can use Blueprint AI to make your website look as professional as your competition, if not more.

So head to squarespace.com slash howlong for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use offer code howlong to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Oh, this is huge for me personally. This episode of How I'm Gone is brought to you by TaskRabbit. Oh, baby, let me tell you something. This is not a joke. I use TaskRabbit a lot. Because I can't do anything. You need some art hung? TaskRabbit. You need a fucking something put together? A cabinet? Got to reach that cheese grater on the top shelf? TaskRabbit. Anything you need, TaskRabbit can take care of it for you. And I mean, it... How it works, TaskRabbit connects you with skilled taskers in your area. They can help you move. They can assemble furniture, repairs, yard work, mounting, and more. You can search for a tasker based on cost, skill set, availability, and past client reviews so you know exactly who's showing up and can have confidence that they know what they're doing because taskers have assembled over 3.4 million pieces of furniture, completed 700,000 home repairs. handled 1.5 million moves, and the numbers are just going up, Jason. Yeah, throw a little money at the problem. It's not so expensive. And that job that you really don't want to do is something that another person out in the world is very good at doing and would gladly do it in exchange for a little bit of money. So when life happens, your to-do list grows. Get ahead of it now and get $15 off your first task at TaskRabbit.com or grab the TaskRabbit app using promo code how long taskers book up faster, especially for same day tasks. So book trusted home help today. That is $15 off your first task using promo code how long with the TaskRabbit app or at TaskRabbit.com. Not yet. They haven't disappeared us yet. No, I haven't been saw them by Big Magic. But I will say we were at an event and there was the magician there. And we were like, oh, fuck. Because it was the weekend after the episode aired where we firmly come out against it. The block was still hot. Uh-huh. So we were nervous. We were very, very nervous. You don't want to be around a mentalist who knows you don't care for magic, you know? And hey, I think some magicians are actually magic and they are wizards or whatever. Some are not. Wow, you really...

Okay, so you're saying you personally don't have an anti-magician stance? Speak on it, Paul. We want you to clarify, if you could, on the record. If you could just clarify. Because it feels like when you said some of them are actually kind of good, I didn't really believe you. Okay, okay. So sometimes... Okay, okay. I'm going to go to the record and say... Okay, sure. As Charlize said, I was talking out of my ass, guys. I don't know. I don't know. You know how it is. Sometimes you're like, whoa, how did they do that? And sometimes, I don't know, sometimes you're like, this is absolutely not for me. I wish I had a very hard line on magic. I have a really hard line. There's a scene on the most recent episode where Hannah Einbinder is sort of... saying something similar to that like you know the poof and the she's like it's cringe she thinks tricks are very cringe yeah she's like did you or did your wife write that dialogue that's a great question i i don't think either of us pitched I don't know where, it came from the writer's room. I don't know who pitched the- Classic, blame the writer's room. Blame the eight people eating gummy worms all day. Oh my God, I'm giving credit. I'm giving credit where it's due. Me and my wife are at the show, but I don't know who did it. It was, must have been- Believe me, I, no, I would love to take credit for it. I'd be like, it was me. That was my idea and mine alone, but we have seven writers. Okay. Plus Jan, Lucia, and myself. Damn. So there's a bunch of people, you know. I think there's this, I actually have the affliction where I usually think I pitched it. Which is really a bad habit to be like, I think I could. If it was good, it was probably me, ladies. But no, I don't know where that one came from. It's also been a minute. That was two years ago. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. Okay, when we were introing you, let's pivot to sports. When we were introing you, Chris mentioned you went to Duke. I heard that you used to be a swimmer as a youngster. Were you a Blue Devil swimmer? You know, I walked on for a week.

and i was like no it was you know it's d1 it was very intense i was i was captain of my swim team in high school and i was competitive but i was not private or public be honest with us private yeah okay but but i went to public school through fifth grade my mom's a public school teacher well she's retired now as are a bunch of my aunts and uncles like i come from a public school family but um when i was in sixth grade i'm from a really rural part of new jersey and i went to a school that had two kids in sixth two kids in seventh four kids in eighth grade And we were all in one room. So my mom was like, either you're learning eighth grade material or they're learning six. That sounds like weirdly Quaker or Scientologist or something. That doesn't sound okay. I know, but it wasn't. So anyway, I did go to private school. Technically it counts. Okay. What was your event? A hundred meter butterfly. Okay. So if we got in the pool right now, does it come right back to you? You know, I think I could, yes. I think I could beat you. Is that what you're asking? I don't have a swimmer's build. I'm more athletic than that, so I don't know. It comes back to a degree, but I certainly don't have the stamina I once had. I get tired really fast. Who of us does? I feel you, brother. When you're a swimmer, and I know this is a sport and it's taken seriously, but when you're an adolescent wearing a Speedo, I imagine there's some ribbing going on amongst the team. Or was it free and clear because everybody's in the pool? Unless you have a big cock. Then it's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's a lot of drag. That's not good for your event. Yeah, exactly. Paul's like, no, all the guys with big dicks were on water polo. We just kind of swam. Me, I was a hundred meter butterfly. Don't worry about me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cut through the water. You know, the Speedo thing, it weirdly becomes a non-issue. It's like, I guess, being part of a nudist colony. You're like, well, this is normal. No, totally. I would always assume that, but then when you put the 12-year-old mind there. Right, right, right. I feel like, do those two things compute? You know what I'm saying? That was always my... I guess ironically, or pun intended, you're jumping into the deep end of locker room life as a young child. Literally. And also, you know, when you're on the swim team and you're, if you are...

I feel like if you are actually competitive, you're also shaving your body. It's kind of in it. Because I know you famously have so much body hair, especially when you were younger. I did have a lot of body hair when I was younger. Luckily, the repeated shavings actually made it much more tame. You know what I mean? They lie to you about that. Yeah, it's the opposite of what you think. You still pick up the blade every once in a while and give a little... See how it feels again? I don't, but I really should. I remember being a very weird sensation. How many years has it been since you've had a full tuck and roll? A full shave? A competition-ready detail job. I think it was probably my senior year of high school, so it's been seven years. I think you and I are exactly the same age, I think. 43. Yes. I will confirm it. I'm glad you were able to go on the record about something. Thank you for that. You're right. I really chickened out about magic. I'm sorry. It's okay. We don't have magicians. Hopefully, we don't have any magicians listening to this. I hope you do. I hope you do. They're coming for your ass. We got a couple. Okay, let's get in. On the subject of some eating and some disordered eating, I always think about you love, right? When you hear about swimmers, Michael Phelps eats a whole large pepperoni every day. He's got 6% body fat because he's burning so many cows. When you were an 18-year-old, hairless stud swimming through the water what was your caloric intake what were you eating you know what was going on i had a crispy cream jelly donut like every morning i was you know and i was having it with when i was in high school i was having it with like raspberry mocha you know i mean i was i was really again i was like a sugar fanatic i was hoping you were going to say a tall glass of whole milk you know but i i see that that the sugar was more of a draw for you. Sugar was the draw. Although I used to, you know, I used to eat cream of wheat. Do you guys know what that is? Yeah, I used to enjoy some cream of wheat every once in a while. You really do have a dichotomy of like a really old guy. I know. You have a lot of old guy traits. I mean, he grew up in rural New Jersey.

A lot of that, a lot of his parents' generation, you know, he was living that life. I was. How far from Manhattan are we talking? To get to Manhattan was probably like an hour 45. On the train or in a car? In a car, okay. In a car. I think what we would do is we would drive to the Dover train station and take the Midtown Direct, which was like another hour and a half, and it was like 45 minutes to Dover. So it was like a two-hour, 10-minute commute if you were really commuting. When your parents were taking you to the store, you know, at 15 to see if Louis C.K. was there. Exactly. We ain't have trains where I was from. But my town had a livestock auction every Tuesday. That's fun. Something for everybody to get together. It really was. It is a legit rural place. If you're in New Jersey, you're like, oh, it's not rural. I think of beaches and I think of Newark. like i don't think you're right rural is the last thing that comes to mind but obviously it makes sense yeah like northwestern new jersey where i'm from is where like new york new jersey pennsylvania met my wife is always saying just say upstate new york because people understand that's like cat skills that's like the appellation trail that would be a lie so she's a liar too i see she's like rewrite your history i hear upstate i think stissing house you know i don't i don't think new jersey yeah yeah that's it is it's more romantic i would say to say cat skills yeah very much very much yeah but I was closer to the Poconos than I was to Manhattan. They always ask you, what's your mall, if you're from New Jersey? The nearest mall was 50 minutes away, but what was closer was Woodbury Commons Premium Outlet Center. Of course. For us, maybe you're familiar. I'm very. Okay, so that was like half hour from my turn. Oh, okay. So you were wearing designer your whole life then? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I was getting Gucci bell bottoms for like $60. It's cheap. I would wear them in high school. I like that you sound like you grew up in the 60s. It was Tom Ford era. There was some flair. I was buying Tom Ford Gucci off the rack at the time. I see what you were trying to do there. Did you keep all of those archival pieces? Those archival outlet pieces? I do have a couple. I still have a...

this is crazy that i had this in high school but again because i lived by the outlet and because you could go on christmas eve things were like 90 oh they're giving it away yeah yeah that's cool throwing it out they were about to send it to like the island or whatever or burn or whatever they do so i do have a i do have a um still very oversized never fit me don't know why i got it because it was 90 off but i have a leather blazer yeah that was like a tom ford gucci era leather blazer and i have a a purple sweatshirt that has a gigantic Gucci written across the chest. I still have those and I still wear those. One of those is more wearable than the other, I would say. Very much, very much. But hard to tailor, leather famously hard to alter. Very hard to alter, yes. You know, I was with an actor yesterday who will go unnamed. Okay. We were like, oh, we were shooting him for something. We were like, oh, do you like these clothes? Because it's all this brand new design, you know what I mean? And he was like, I don't. This is my job. Like, you guys do whatever you want. Like, I don't think about this at all. Like, I am merely here. I am the vehicle. And you are the gas. I have no opinion. No, didn't have it. I mean, he would have an opinion on like, oh, this doesn't actually fit. But otherwise, stylistically, he was just like, oh, this is, it was unbelievable. He was like, oh, this is my job. I'm just down for whatever. And also, this is a person who, I'll say it in bleep it so he knows. Is that okay? Yeah, yeah, sure. okay okay it's now it's it's coming into focus sure okay it's an act but i guess my point is this is an actor who's always sort of seen as good looking like he never looks goofy or bad so for somebody who's willy-nilly you guys do whatever the hell you want i don't even think about fashion he always looks Pretty sharp. Yeah, I am actually surprised in that way. He does, you know, he wears clothes well. Because it's so easy for actors to look awful when they just let their stylists. It felt freeing. I was like, damn, this is the level above where you're just like, bro, I don't know. I am your doll. Trust me. But now you're going to all these award shows. You're winning all these Emmys and shit. You have an opinion, I assume.

I do. I have opinions, yeah. I'm a little exacting. P-Dub is a fashion killer. I do trust the people I work with, though. My stylist is very good, and so I am open to things that normally I wouldn't pick off the rack for myself. Who's your stylist? Rose Ford. Okay. And so you go into the room, and you're like, all right, there's 10 things. I like these three, and you're good to go. yeah she's not no no no she's often well usually what usually happens is it's down to two we're very split on two yeah and then usually like the day of it's like what feels good that day and that's what we end up doing but you got to break these in a way that i really like and i'm like i because i trust her it's very nice and i've worked with other great stylists but i do appreciate her vision you know but do you like wearing a suit in general like are you comfortable in a suit yeah i actually do I think that's a big difference here. I think there's some people that really hate it and some people that don't mind. I love it. It's the easiest way to dress. Especially since we all have swimmers. Well, you and I have swimmers builds. It's easier for that. Chris, not so much. He's more athletic, of course. I love the ease of a suit. You throw it on. It doesn't matter what's under it, really. You tuck in your shirt and you don't wear a dumb pair of shoes. You're good anywhere. It's very comfortable, easy, blah, blah, blah. You have to do a lot of, you know, you'll do one award show. You'll do whatever, five a year. You put on the suit, you put on the tux. I think every time you have to do the after episode. fake video podcast thing where you wear your like casual top and and pants yeah and and you have to have a different look for each episode after recap yeah yeah so that that feels like the real challenge versus like what color suit that is more of a challenge i will say more like casual dressing is in some ways harder yeah although i don't know i think if you're gonna if you're trying to like actually pull a serve i think it is harder for men with suits because they're a little bit like my you know my wife is always like it's so much easier to put on a suit but i'm like yeah but if you want to actually it's true you don't want to serve that's the issue men shouldn't be serving straight men serving isn't for us we've got we're the president

You know what I mean? We can be president. Women can't. Sure, sure. We can't serve. Chris, you're too afraid to serve. That's the issue. I'm not afraid to serve. I think specifically when it comes to suits. This is feeling very draft dodger. I'm sorry. Yeah, I think you can serve. I think anyone can serve. When it comes to suits, I think that men experimenting with suits have let us down some dark, dark Connor Story ass. Okay, okay, okay. I'm not going to disagree with that. I think you're right. Like a see-through shirt, a no shirt underneath. I don't care if you're Michael B. Jordan. An Adrian Brody brooch that's about the size of a pie tin. I just think that I get you don't want to be boring, especially if you're an A-list actor. I totally understand that. But I just think that the tuxedo... specifically is a tough thing to add to in a way that is good. Like a cummerbund is the best you can do. Cumberbund bow tie. Yeah, cummerbund's great. But I think that does it. You do something like that. Yeah, I agree. You're a little off-center. I think that's good. Because I agree, I'm more of a classic tailing kind of guy. Not into the no shirt, the pie tin. The no shirt thing, I think we've, I think it may be, I think we may be past it. It was a, it was a tyranny of at least a year. I would say maybe two. Yeah. And don't even get me started on the Grammy awards. People show it. Well, they'll do whatever. They're no pants. I know. I can't wait for the AMAs. It's going to be insane. AMA. Well, you know, Meg's going to wear something fucked up. So you got to. I know. I know what she's wearing. The AMAs are my Magala. You're about to get mogged by Meg. I know. It's hard to get mogged by Meg. It's really hard. she looks good at everything she looks good in everything she's having fun with it and that is a lost art yeah that is that is really yes that's that is so true she is having fun and we've done some things together and it is so fun to have a actually to have a bit not to make you know you shouldn't always

play the fool but i do think when you have a bit at one of those things it's so much more fun yeah yeah it's the amas it's like yeah i i don't i'm not a musician who gives a fuck i'm just here to have fun like i'll present my award guys have do you guys are you workshopping your ama fashion we do have we do have a thought for the for the really yes so how does this go down does this is this something that maybe one of you leads and the other is like oh what if we added this and that or you know whatever how does it go down yeah i think we try not to like chase the dragon it's like it has to come to us the muse has to come to us but one of us is like we could do this i mean we did you know we did the chrome hearts orange thing and uh oh yeah i forgot about that my my how did i forget about that that was so you didn't get enough recognition for that that was so stupid really good it was insane it was insane but it was the most fun we've ever had it was the most fun we ever had and like truly other people at the show were like can we get a picture it was you know what i mean like other actors wanting a picture that we were like sure you know it was very how did that go down construction while how much lead time did we need so this was what was crazy so my sister-in-law genevieve was like you need to do like marty supreme press tour stuff and so i was like meg we should do this orange outfit um so shout out to genevieve for pitching that this was like over like the it was like around christmas time meg was like we're doing it i was like maybe we do this for our premiere in the spring and she was like No, it has to be now. It must be now. We're doing it for Critics. She's right. Which was in seven days. Oh. She's like, we're doing it in seven days. And I was like, Meg. And her stylist, Kat, pulled it together, found somebody, found this woman, Erica, to make the dress and the suit and did it in like seven days. I think didn't stop for seven days. It really worked, though. It was really funny. It was fun. It made the night. Did Timothy get in touch? His publicist did come over to us and said,

Timmy's late, but I want to show you this. And she showed us her phone where she had texted a picture and he wrote incredible. And I was like, oh, great. So he's not mad. She's like, no, he loves it. This is great. Yeah, that's the whole reason. I mean, that only helps his case, really. And then we did meet him at the actor awards and he was like, it was actually very funny. He was like, let's get a picture. And we got a picture. And he's like, okay, we got it. It was a very quick moment, but we got a picture. And Meg has gone on the record. She's been like, he asked us. He asked you. He got ahead of it, though. He got ahead of it. Maybe to be kind. Maybe to be kind. Let's differentiate. I mean, that is a big differentiator. It really is. He asked you, not the other way around. That counts for something. I'm going to insult myself before you guys have the chance to. I'm going to ask for a selfie before all you guys ask me for a selfie. I would never, actually. I would never. Have you ever asked anyone for a picture? I did get a picture with Carol Burnett when she guest starred on the show. I did want a picture with Carol Burnett. That's pretty good. Normally, I wouldn't. Even if I really want it, there's something. Who did I do it with, Jason, at the Marty Supreme after party? The guy from Shark Tank? Oh, Mark Cuban. I had to flick up with Cuban. I waited all night. Famously with President Bill Clinton. Oh, President Bill Clinton. Jason, I saw Bill Clinton at a restaurant. This is like... This was like 2015 or something. At ABCV. At ABCV. And I just leapt into action because Jason's really tall. So he got the, he had the angle ready to rock and the, the way the picture is positioned and we're shaking hands, it looks like we are running for office together. That is perfect. We need to frame it. And then only, and then only 24 hours later, the Epstein stuff did come out. So it wasn't, the timing wasn't great for me personally. Yeah. Yeah. I noticed there was a change in the comment section before and after. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think the, I think you're right. It's tough to, it's tough to, I don't.

I don't know. The Mark Cuban thing was funny, and he thought it was funny because he's like, why is this guy? Who the fuck is... You know what I mean? He doesn't expect... I think he didn't expect a person that looked like me to want a picture with him, I guess is what I'm saying. Sure, sure, sure. That's fun. It's usually virgins who ask for a selfie, so it's weird to see a cool guy. No, but my polo shirt, no, you can spray ketchup on it. It washes right off. I'm just looking for an investment. Paul, we both... kind of devote this podcast and our lives to Twitter. And I feel like you're still on Twitter, aren't you? I am. I dip in and out. I go on and I'm like, you know, I will post something or repost something, but I'm not on it all the time. I got to admit. Are you, but when you're working, do you like lock in, get the brick out and you don't look at your phone type shit? Lucia bricks. She bricks and she bricks hard. So she is off. I don't do that. You're like, I'm able to do it without the brick, but I guess that's cute for her. If you need it, I guess that's fine. Some people need different things. Yeah, she does need it. I have an incredible amount of willpower. But no, I will open it and just scroll literally for no reason between takes. I think it's just a stress-relieving thing. It's like a little cigarette for your eyes. I'm probably the least online person of anybody. that makes the show. I know that's bad probably for what we're doing here, but it's true. No, well, all of your writers are online, so you don't have to be. They're very online. Lucia's very online. Jenna's very online. If I had to work with Joe Mandy every day, I'd be fucking, yeah, I'd be doing something. He is incredibly online. Yeah, he makes memes like a teenager. He's doing it different. He's making a meme. We'll have a joke in the room. We'll continue to go, and he'll have the meme up. Within 30 seconds, he made a meme. He's like, you guys keep going. Did you get my sweet green? Hold on a second. Just got to get this meme done. It's crazy. It's crazy. That's a skill in itself, though. But I think I have a hard time with it. Jason has less of a hard time with it. But I think when you're in a group like that where you're sort of together for these certain periods of time, it's really easy to pick up on the patterns of who's doing what. 100%.

yeah and he is he because we do most of it over zoom we're in person like once a week and then we're over zoom so he's doing his background is constantly a clip art of whatever the joke is that we've just you know and it's changing all day long i'm like in some ways i'm like brother like are you good bro graphic designer you're a graphic designer but he's also brilliantly funny so i guess like i don't think maybe this industry is not for you have you ever thought about graphic design if you put even half the amount of work you put into your graphic designs you would be have you seen his hats have you seen the embroidery hats that he does yes which yeah which and also now it's become a thing i've seen it I have also seen that online that people are doing it more and more and I'm like, I think he started that. I don't know. He started that whole thing during COVID and now I see it a lot. It's a real Etsy thing to do. Yeah, yeah. Very Etsy thing to do. My mom's probably going to make me one for my birthday this year. You know what I mean? 100%. Good for her. Need the original. If she does. That's a great gift. It is a great gift. It's very personal. Oh, it's Maya Rudolph who I saw. I saw Maya Rudolph wearing one on some late night show and I'm like, who made that? Maya knows Joe. She was on The Good Place which she wrote on. um but anyway i'm sure i'm sure somebody knows somebody at a wagon wheel or something you know hooked it all up what are you what are you gonna so what are you gonna do now big bro great question um because hbo owns you right we we are we are on a deal there i'm sorry i don't like to use industry terms but you're in an overall with hbo yes hbo owns us we're developing something for them um and it's just development it's not like a a greenlit thing but we're still early days still early days i think what we'd like to do next is a limited as much as um that i think is not okay lazy ass all right limited okay exactly we're trying to be lazy so one for you one for you got it okay exactly they love that over there just you know launching a new show would be um quite an undertaking we're a little burned out we're tired the pace was really insane and how how old is your how old is your guy's kid now he's four

He turned four and more. Yeah, so there's intense times right now. It is. Most important job of the world, dad. Show running. Oh, dad, right. Jason, don't act like these people. Don't act like they don't have a staff, bro. They ain't bringing that little motherfucker to Vegas. They got people for that, bro. They're doing well. He does come to Vegas, and he loves Vegas. And the last time he was there, he went to a restaurant, and this person walked over and said, you're very well behaved, and handed him a $100 bill. Vegas is absolutely nuts, and it's amazing. The thing is that he really wanted to do like slot machines because it looks like it's games. Yeah. And we had to be like, no, he sat at one of the slot machines and they were like, it's a $2,000 fine if he doesn't get off that right now. Like they are so serious about it. So it was like, this is a playground for adults, which is very hard for a kid to compute. Because it does look like a kid. It looks like a fun house. Yes. And I've heard you guys talk about the arcade drop-off thing that they used to have. They don't really have that. Yeah. They don't really have, I mean. That's one way to circle the square to help. save vegas again is give it create a place to dump all these fucking kids obviously four years old you're not gonna leave them stranded in an awesome arcade no you know some when they're 13 14 sure how much well he's sports gambling at least on his phone though right that's the thing yeah his phone he has he does have um He does have a lot of debt built up. It's quite bad. When he wants iPad time, that means FanDuel. His DraftKings is not looking great this season. It's actually DraftKings. It's based on color. He's choosing teams based on color. I love blue. Purple. It's not good. This is very idiocracy as a documentary. How long until they have sports betting for kids? You know what I mean? That's right. Not long. Actually, he might do well. He's very lucky. Are you into optioning books and shit? Or do you want it to come all from the brain? It's so funny. The thing that we're working on is from a book.

We're not, we're very, very rarely interested in that. We do like it to be like generated from us. But also you guys come from an improv background, right? We do. Yeah, we met it. I'm sorry to hear that. I know. I apologize. I'll pray for you. I know. It's like, it's really rough. So you need to be the spark for the flame. Kind of. No, that's fine. It feels easier, you know? Makes the deal memo less messy, right? I think it does. I was like, does it? Yeah. What's it like working with your wife though? Because that sounds hard. Hell on earth. it's absolutely no offense to my wife but i ain't trying to do no i know well you know in this business we've certainly not worked together on things and she or i have been apart for a long time and that i think it's harder i think that's harder it's hard yeah you know when you're in i didn't think about that part yeah when you're in vancouver for a long time and you're not seeing your partner it's kind of hard especially if they're into asian chicks you got to be careful up there in vancouver Oh. Something to think about. Okay, good. Especially if you both have the same job and one person got the job and the other person didn't. That's rough. When you're competing with your partner for the same role, it's really hard. You should go audition for this music video. Oh, I'm just going to stay in the car. Hey, you kid, come in here. Wouldn't that be hell? I have two male friends. who that happened to where their girlfriend was a model and they went with them to the casting. And they were like, yeah, you're great. Who is that? They had full careers. And the girl did not. He's like a hot skater sitting in the lobby like a board. It's a perfect storm. Those people are always amazing. I find people are like... the best most natural actors you know totally that's how you get a matthew mcconaughey right yeah i don't know man i just showed up man that's right exactly oops yeah i didn't think about the i didn't think i always forget that these things are so all-encompassing that you just like yeah you're gone it does consume your life so it is nice in that way it's like you're you're getting to be with your partner but there's so many challenges but we have we've figured out pretty early on the way to make it work for us the way that we're like sure let's just do positive reinforcement and make this pleasant

Again, it doesn't mean that we don't have moments that are hard. We also have three. We do it with our best friend, so there's a tiebreaker. They're so lucky. That sounds awesome for them. But guess what? Sometimes I'm a tiebreaker because they're... You know what I mean? It depends. The cuck chair rotates. The musical cuck chair. it's absolutely right yes it's musical that makes it a lot more fun i guess yeah i guess that the but i guess the question really is that are you able to shut it off when you're at home you know what i mean no yeah i didn't think so we can't shut it off no i didn't think so i mean that that seems unrealistic in some ways you know i i i don't know i don't mind that you know yeah because in some ways it's like your homework's never done you're always doing homework and yet you can do it in a like casual way like you're falling asleep you're like this is a good idea for this you know what i mean it's like it becomes a little bit a little bit less like intense nine to five feeling yeah um and i don't know we like we like talking about something we've watched or something we've written we we like doing that stuff and it does feel like it's part of work and how do you guys go how do you guys fall asleep at night we usually scroll for a little bit who who rolls the blunt you or her uh her she's rolling the blunt she's rolling the blunt um yeah she's rolling the blunt and then uh she's usually like okay it's time to turn up the light That's how it goes. Even though I'm always like, we have to get to bed early. I want a guillotine above my bed so that at a certain hour this thing goes and we have to be down and sleeping. Oh, that's a good idea. I really want that because it's inevitable that I'll be so fatigued the next day and I'll be like, I'm so tired. So what time were you hitting the hay then if we're trying to go? What's early to you? Like by 11, that would be great. But it's very rare. 11? Bro, that's late. I'm talking 9 o'clock. Get on my level. Oh, I wish. I wish. My kid doesn't go to bed until 9 o'clock. Well, that's bad parenting. He's four years old. I know.

I know, but he's never slept much. He just wants to be awake. He only sleeps 10 hours max. He's got his daddy's sugar dependency, huh? I guess when he's got five parlays going at once, he can't shut his eyes. It's adrenaline. You know how it is when you're a gambling junkie. I do know how that is. You've got a lot surging. I know how that is. He's not going to grow an inch, all that cortisol and adrenaline. It's okay. He can swim. All right. Well, thank you so much for potting with us, Paul. Hope you had fun and congrats on the final season. I'm fans, you guys. I'm fans. I'm a fan of yours. Lucia came up to us, I think at the Emmys or something and said something, but I haven't seen her since. So please give her. Do you want to know why this laptop was set up by Lucia? She is like, she wanted to sound good. She's going to be listening. You know what I mean? It actually made me stressed out. I'm like, I'm getting stressed out. This is supposed to be fun. This is supposed to be fun. We're talking culture. We're having fun. Maybe there's a little jealousy. Yeah, there could be a little jealousy. Yeah, I don't want this to cause problems at home. You know what I mean? So we'll do the best we can. You guys are helping me. This is really good. All right, good. You're giving me street cred. And thank you for hacks. Honestly, it's great. It's one of the best things that's happened on TV in a very long time. Thank you very much for watching it. I'm glad you guys wrapped it up when the time was, you're smart. Thank you. I appreciate that because so many people are like, why are you doing this? It's really nice to hear that. I appreciate that. You got to go with your guts. You never want a seventh heaven out, right? No. Molest? You need molest? No. I do not want to molest at all, just to be clear. Syndication's not worth it. No molesting. All right, thanks, Paul. All right, thank you guys. Have a good one. Later.

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